Monthly Archives: April 2016

Calling your spirit back

Calling your Spirit back

The concept of calling your Spirit back is explained divinely with a story that Caroline Myss shares in her book, “Anatomy of the Spirit” about David Chetlahe Paladin, a Navajo Indian who grew up on a reservation in the 1920’s and ’30’s.

The loss of David’s spirit began at age eleven which saw him become an alcoholic, then in his mid-teens he would leave the reservation to drift and wander until he got a job on a merchant marine ship.  It was on this ship that David befriended a young German man as well as another Native American.

The young men worked and travelled together throughout the Pacific Ocean and to keep himself entertained David took up drawing, often sketching bunkers that the Japanese were building on various Pacific Islands in 1941.

David’s drawings, including those of the Japanese bunkers, found their way into the hands of the American military and he was drafted into military service.  David assumed he skills as an artist would be utilised however instead he was assigned to be a part of a secret operation which would see him, as well as other Native Americans, become spy’s.

As radio transmissions had the possibility of being intercepted, the American Army devised a plan to use Native Americans, for their native language, as a means to guarantee that transmissions could not be interpreted.

It was while David was behind enemy lines, that he would be caught by the Nazi’s.  They tortured him in many ways, including nailing his feet to the floor and then forcing him to stand for days on end.

David survived the torture and was sent for execution by genocide because he was considered a “lesser race”.  While being shoved into a train carriage for his journey, he felt a rifle being pushed into his ribs, he turned to face the solder who turned out to be his German friend from the merchant ship.

David’s friend orchestrated for him to change trains and be sent to a prisoner of war camp instead, where David would see out the remainder of the war.  When the camps would be liberated, David was found by American soldiers unconscious and dying.   He was transported to a military hospital in the United States where he would remain in a coma for two and half years.

When David finally came out of the coma, his body was so weak he could not walk without assistance.   David decided that he would enter a veteran’s hospital and see out the rest of his life, yet before he did that he would return to his reservation to say goodbye to his people.

When David returned to the reservation, he friends and family were in shock at the state of him.  So horrified they convened to discus how they could help him.  The reservation elders approached David, took off his leg braces, tied a rope to his waist and through him into a deep river.  They commanded “David, call your spirit back, Your spirit is no longer in your body. If you can’t call your spirit back, we will let you go. No one can live without his spirit. Your spirit is your power.”

David would tell Caroline that calling his spirit back was the most difficult tasks he ever had to undertake.  “It was more difficult than enduring having my feet nailed to the floor. I saw the faces of those Nazi soldiers. I lived through all those months in the prison camp. I knew that I had to release my anger and hatred. I could barely keep myself from drowning, but I prayed to let the anger out of my body. That’s all I prayed, and my prayers were answered.”

David would fully recovered including the full use of his legs.  He would become a shaman healer, Christian minister and very talented artist before passing away in 1986.

David’s story reminds us of how experiences can drain our life force and capture our spirit.  Yet more importantly that we can transcend any situation to call back the energy which has been taken from us.

Experiences that capture our spirit don’t have to be as traumatic as David’s, they can be divorce or separation from someone we loved, jealousy of others, negativity, grieving the loss of a person, place or thing, major transitions or rejection of a part of ourselves.

We can also give our spirit away when we make someone or something more important than ourselves, it is any situation which leaves you less than who you are meant to be.

Ways to Call back your spirit

With whatever method you choose, it is important to make this a ritualistic exercise, therefore set aside an appropriate amount of time where you won’t be interrupted or rushed.  Create a sacred space in whatever way it makes it inviting, safe and special for you.  Some ideas are to light candles, sage the room or burn incense, use essential oils, music or drumming and perhaps crystals.

Meditation with visualisation
Get yourself into a comfortable position which you can easily hold for an amount of time.  Bring  your focus to your breathe, breathing in for a count of 4, holding for a count of 7 and exhaling for a count of 8.  Allowing any thoughts to just be, giving them permission to present and then just be, not adding to them or exploring them.

Feeling yourself relax, letting go and being in the moment.  Now set your intention for the meditation, for all parts of your spirit which have been left with other people, in other places, in other times, at events to return for you to be 100% restored and revitalised right now.

Envisage a pulsating ball of cleansing energy surrounding you, once which surrounds your physical body covering your head and connecting below your feet, one which also extends from your physical body to extend to encompass all your energy fields..

As you feel, see or hear your intention being acted upon now visualise (or feel) the energy which you have left with others being returned to you and as it does being cleansed passing through the cleansing ball of energy you have set around you, ensuring that only your energy returns to you and any residue from others is removed.

As you see or feel the stream of your light energy return to you feel your energy levels increasing, feel your inner strength return and a sense of being 100% home within  yourself.

Take a moment to soak in this energy, to let your returned energy reverberate and immerse so you are fully bonded.  When you are ready slowly come back to the room, raising your awareness to the noises that surround you, wriggling your fingers and toes, feeling the floor around you.

Ask God, the Universe, Budda or whomever you believe in or pray (speak) to and ask for their assistance in returning your energy, which has been left in other places, time, events or with people to return to you.

Be 100% confident that your prayers will be heard and that the action will be taken to assist in what is yours, being returned to you.

Commanding your energy to report is similar to yet stronger than a prayer, as you are not relying on external support yet rather authoritatively directing your energy to return.

State out loud “I call back my spirit.  I command all fragments of my spirit left in other places, times and dimension or with other people and events to return to me right now.  As those parts of my spirit integrate in my being, they are cleansed and revitalised, invigorating and renewing my spirit as a whole”

In the times that I have found the need to call back my own spirit, I have felt a shift in my energy and a return of inner strength.  It has enabled me to let go of matters that were playing in my head and that were lowering my vibration.

Calling back your spirit is a beautiful, simple yet compelling way to transcend your pain and to connect with the grace of true empowerment.


Spiritual Basics ~ Energy Cleansing

Just us our physical body regularly needs cleansing both internally and externally to ensure we don’t get a build up of filth (externally) or toxins (internally), so too does our energetic bodies.

Cleansing our skin is important as we removes dead skin cells, bacteria and toxins, ensuring our pores are clear to absorb beneficial things.  Internal cleansing also assists in eliminating toxins and waste product thus improving overall wellbeing, health and vitality.

Physical cleansing is an act of rejuvenation and renewal.

So as we regularly cleanse our physical body, so too must we cleanse ourselves spiritually.  Whilst we are required to invoke our protection and shield ourselves from negative energy, over time residue can build up.  This may be due to our protection not being done often enough (or not done at all), perhaps the method being used is not strong enough or possibly because of what is going on within.

Also some people, knowingly or unknowingly, like to dump their negative energy and these type of people are attracted to “light souls”.  You’ll know if they have dumped as they will walk away saying how much better they feel leaving you feeling less energised.

Spiritual cleansing is the act of purifying your energy fields and getting rid of anything that may not belong to or within it, yet too it is also done to purify your connection to your source energy.

When we fail to cleanse regularly on a spiritual level our energy can become drained and for no apparent reason we are exhausted and feel zapped.    Also we might seem out of character, cranky and short tempered or emotionally and out of control.  On the other hand we can find our connection to others and the spirit world difficult to make.

And as we cleanse ourselves spiritually, it is also important to cleanse our environment and surroundings, most importantly your home and if possible also your work space or office.

How do I cleanse?
Once again there are many methods of cleansing and it is important to use which ever best suits you.  As with protection, cleansing is best done on a regular basis and I recommend at least once a week (if not daily).

Due to our environments (e.g. air conditioning, rising levels of smog) and our way of living (i.e. hectic pace, stress) our bodies are swathed with positive ions which are destructive to us and is a prime cause of energy depletion.

Also when we expose ourselves to too many positive ions we become imbalanced (i.e. depressed, stressed, anxious) and require negative ions to balance us out.

Negative ions are commonly known “happy or the good ions” because they lift our mood, inner forces and give us a sense of well being.

They are plentiful in rainforests, the ocean, near waterfalls and on the top of mountains.   Yet too they are abundant during and after a thunder storm, so opening your windows and doors after a thunder storm is a great way to cleanse you and your home.


Either walk in a rain shower or when daily showering, as the water lands and washers over you have the intention of allowing the water to take with it any negative energy that may have attached during the day.   Seeing any negativity being washed away relieving your energy field and releasing it to flow away from you.

Swimming in the ocean is an awesome way to cleanse due to the negative ions which are abundant in the sea.  When choosing to cleanse in the sea, your intention is what is most important.

So as you either dive under the water or allow it to wash over you, mentally say to yourself words to the effect of:  “I allow my energy fields to be cleansed of any negative energy, restoring me to my own source”

Find an incense that resonates with you or you can use smudging sage, take an incense stick or small amount of sage, lighting it so that it smokes (don’t allow it to burn).

Now carefully allow the smoke to waft over you, front and back, over your head and below your feel, focus on your intention that as the smoke drifts over you it is cleansing your energy fields, purifying and energising.

This is also a good method for cleansing the home, moving from room to room concentrating on smudging each corner of the room.  Yet with the main living areas (i.e. bedrooms & lounge room) burning a full incense stick.

To enhance the smudging ritual also put on a CD of instrumental music, as it in itself will help stuck energy.

There are a beautiful array of essential oils which hold higher vibrational energy to cleanse your energy.  These would be Frankincense is associated with purification, Lavender is considered the angelic herb or sage oil for its sacredness.

Energetic sprays, such as Resonate Essences Cleanse & Protect or Crystal Clear, are an easy way to clear a room and/or energy fields.  Especially when they are of a higher vibration because all the “hard” work has been done for you and all you need to do is hold and spray.


It has been well documented the power that words we think, or speak, have not only on others yet on ourself.  Words not only influence our gene expression they also influence the energy around us.

The sound vibration that mantras increase the energy around to resonate at a higher frequency which in turn will clear any energies that do not resonate at this frequency.

  • Shanti (shan tee): restores peace and harmony
  • Om Namah Shanti (om naamar shan tee): releasing burdens and returning lightness
  • I release all that does not serve me, clearing and releasing with ease
  • I release attachment to be free in light, love and peace

This is a meditative cleansing tool so it is a good one to use when you have a few moments where you won’t be disturbed.  I like this as an option due to its thoroughness and revitalising qualities.

See or sense in front of you a rock pool filled with the most beautiful crystal clear blue water, it is surrounded by a luscious green garden of ferns and palms, which overhang the pool.

You notice a path appear in front of you, which you start walking upon, it is laid with rich red stones and leads you to set of natural steps taking you to the edge of the rock pool.  Step down into the water, allowing it to wash over your, feeling yourself become like a sponge soaking the water in.

Step out of the pool and see your body twisting around, squeezing the water from your energy field.  Visualise the water streaming down the steps back to mother earth and notice that its colour is dark and murky as it is filled with the negative energy that you have picked up.

Turn around and emerge yourself back in the clear blue waters of the rock pool, repeating the process.  Allowing your energy field to fill up with these waters, then stepping out of the pool, twisting and squeezing the water along with the negative energy from your field.  Notice this time that the water, although still murky, is lighter than it was before.

Repeat the process once more.  Yet this time as you squeeze the water from you, you notice that it is now the same colour as the rock pool, a brilliant blue indicating that your energy field is clear.

Thank the rock pool for allowing you to have use of its mythical qualities.


Journalling for wisdom and healing

Keeping an account of matters via letters and diaries is a tradition which dates back to at least the 10th century, journalling (whether by letters or diaries) typically has two purposes: a record for posterity or a way to purge and release.

Scientific evidence indicates that when a person writes they access both aspects of their brain.  The physical act of writing accesses our analytical and rational left brain as well as engages our creative, intuitive, feeling right brain.

By engaging both hemispheres we increase our innovation, which means we are able to transform and morph from situations yet too we are able to apply different methodology and solutions.

James Pennebaker, a professor at the University of Texas undertook over forty years of research as to how journalling helped the individual to process significant emotional experiences.  His researched demonstrated that by spending 20 minutes per day journalling participants experienced significant improvements physically and mentally.

They indicated they were happier, more cheerful and hopeful and calmer.  Months after the journalling sessions their blood pressure had lowered, immune function impressed and overall felt healthier.   They also indicated their relationships had improved, their memory was better and were having more successes at work.

Journalling / writing allows us to step out from the problem and see it from another perspective.  Thus creating distance which can bring perspective about a situation.  Other benefits of journalling include:

  • Let go  Writing about our emotions, particularly painful emotions, helps release the potency of those feelings and the situation to which they are attached.  Writing is the act of releasing what has often been bottled up and once in written form the subconscious mind no longer needs to keep playing it over and over.
  • Clarification  When we write we get in touch with our internal world what may play over in our mind now starts to get structure on paper.  As we write we are able to filter through the noise in order to get to the key factors and/or answers.
  • Self Realisation  By regularly setting time aside to write your able to clear the “noise” and clear the path to be happy and confident.  You gain clarity about people and/or situations and therefore able to make decisions which are best for your emotional well-being.
  • Effective Problem Solving Problem solving is typically a left-brained activity where we use our logic and analytical skills, although for those who are right-brain orientated their emotions and imagination can override logic.  Writing engages both hemispheres for a balanced approach to the problem, so the positive aspects from both the right and left hemisphere are applied, thus enabling us to create a sensible resolution to the situation.

There are two types of journalling we adhere to, one is to release what we are holding in, a sacred act which allows you authenticity without judgement, thus allowing for inner alignment.  The other aspect of journalling is to take time for self acknowledgement.

Inner Alignment journalling can be a tool which you record what has happened in your day, along with any feelings or thoughts you wish to express.  It is a private diary which does not need to be shared unless you wish to.

It is a widely used technique for assisting individuals to connect with emotions and feelings as well as uncovering the source of what has created those emotions and feelings, thus empowering the individual to taking better control.

Yet too it is a tool which assists in eliminating the chatter of our minds.  The very act of writing is a releasing process, as the individual is expressing what is going on for them, rather than keeping it locked in, which often impacts on our physical.  By writing we tend to sift and filter our thoughts, rather than let them take control of us.

By journalling we have better chance of accessing our own inner wisdom, to do what we know and feel is right for us, rather than speak with others who govern us by their own beliefs and values.

We also begin to learn about our own inner being, knowing who you are v’s who you want to be and enabling you to close the gap, bringing us closer to be our authentic self.

Self acknowledgement, or success journalling, albeit a simple technique, is not one which comes easily to most of us.  Most people consider it egotistical or a self absorbed act, usually because society teaches us to raise others and make them feel better before ourselves.

Others simply do not consider the importance or benefits of self acknowledgement and therefore fail to make time for it.  Top Leaders and philosophers advocate the may benefits of one appreciating their accomplishments of which include:

  • Creation of a natural & ongoing momentum
  • Increase of self confidence
  • Satisfaction of what has been achieved
  • A gauge as to whether you are on track with your goals
  • Changes your focus to the positive which creates an organic drive

EXERCISE #1- Inner Alignment Journalling

Each morning before you get caught up in the flow of the day spend 20 minutes writing non stop.  Don’t think, just write and let the topic naturally emerge.  It can be about whatever comes to you in that moment and the topics can change, you just need to ensure that it is for a full 5 minutes without stopping.

There is no need to re-read or analyse what you are writing, as it is a dedicated time for you to be boundless with your thoughts,  to be YOU and allow whatever is on your mind to be freed.  It can be a list of things you need to do, it can be about an important meeting you have for the day, whatever comes to mind and to your pen.

EXERCISE #2 – Success Journalling

Either during the day or before you go to bed spend an additional 5-10 minutes listing all the achievements you have had during your day.

Remembering that many things constitute as successes and it is idea for you to record all of them, no matter how big or small.

What constitutes as an action worthy of recording are those actions you don’t usually take for example  if you only drink three glasses of water and drink four that constitutes as a success.  If you manage to start writing a report that you have been putting off, that constitutes as a success.

You may also want to record people, situations or things you are grateful for and the reasons your are grateful for them.

Whilst journalling is similar to keeping a diary, it is a freer form of writing.  Journalling is a way to be reflective and to go deeper within for clarity.  When you make time to journal, you make time for yourself particularly your inner self.  Giving you a forum for your inner wisdom to reveal wise counsel, guidance and direction.

Detoxing as per the triad of health

Detoxing, it’s not just for your body

Detoxification is a natural process the body undertakes to neutalise, transform or eliminate unwanted material or toxins.  When we mindfully detoxing we are aiding this natural process by minimising our exposure to unhelpful material and toxins as well as increasing our exposure to matter that will enhance or boost the process.

The purpose of detoxing is to strengthen our natural systems, helping their efficiency, creating balance which also aids to increase our energy levels.

For optimal health and well being though, the physical detoxing is only one side of the equation, as show via the triad of health model, which was created, based on Chinese philosophies, by Dr. George Goodheart who founded applied kinesiology.

For ideal health and well being, all aspects of the triad of health are considered equally important.  The triad being:  structural / physical,   emotional / mental   and   chemical / nutritional.

When one side of the equation is under strain and becomes imbalanced, it causes stress on the other aspects of the triad.  For example a person who is under pressure to meet deadlines, or have considerable responsibilities may find themselves mentally exhausted and short tempered, which often results in physical tension usually that in the shoulders and such stresses can cause the release of chemicals, such as adrenaline or cortisol, within the body.

This also can result in a misinterpretation of the impact, for example whilst the person may be experiencing physical symptoms it could be another aspect of the triad which is the cause.  Therefore if only detoxing the physical aspect, a person could be missing out on key elements which are causing toxins or unwanted side affects.

So let’s consider detoxing from the perspective of the triad of health.

nutritionChemical / Nutritional
Food and Fluids
We know that certain foods and fluids we digest are not good for us and add to the toxic load.  However nutrition is not just the type of food or fluids you put in your body, it is also the quality of those products.  For example Farmers Markets produce is likely to have more nutrients than those which have been placed in storage before sale.

Also these days some products are grown in nutrient poor soil, so its ideal to also take a plant based supplement to ensure your body is receiving the core vitamins and minerals it needs to function effectively and well as enhance and aid the natural detoxing process.

A major toxic overload for many is sugary foods.  So cutting out sugary foods is ideal, noting that there are many products with hidden sugars, so read your labels.  Also some sugars are better than others, yet they still are all sugar at the end of the day.

Our body thrives on “live food”,  so the more uncooked and unprocessed vegetables and fruits you can eat, the more your body will respond favourably.  Yet too it has been my experience the more naturally I eat, the less I crave sugar.

Today with over 100,000 synthetic chemicals in the marketplace, which are found in almost every off the shelf, non organic products, most things in your home could be adding to your toxic load.  However the upside is that there are also now days many organic or nature based alternatives, so making better choices can help your health and well being.

Also with the internet it is easy to access information so if you wanted to you can make your own natural alternatives which can be cost effective.  I recently discovered the empowering solutions of essential oils.  In my opinion not only are they effective, yet they also smell divine.  For example I have found that using a few drops of peppermint oil with lemongrass oil has deterred cockroaches yet also left my cupboards smelling heavenly.

Detox LifeEmotional / Mental
Whether it be on a mental or emotional level take stock of what is causing you stress (people, places, things) and either eliminate it or if that isn’t an option find a way to improve the situation so you are not affected by it.

For the latter option, consider Kinesiology.  I’ve had many clients where elimination of the stressful situation wasn’t an option, so they used Kinesiology to strengthen their inner self in order for the situation to no longer affect them.

Words, Thoughts, Beliefs
Each word or thought creates a neurological response in our body in which our cells are receptors for, which means what we think or say can add to or create a toxic environment.

We can often be our own worst enemy simply by the negative terminology we use, limiting beliefs we hold onto and the ineffective things we say to ourselves or even think.   Mostly of which people are not even aware they are doing.

First step is to increase or become aware of how your state things, what words you are using, what you believe which is restricting you and holding you back.  What comments, even in jest, do you say to yourself or about yourself (aloud or silently) and others.

The next step when you hear such negativity is to stop yourself and change what you are saying or thinking, turning it into a more effective and positive statement.

We don’t suggest people to become Pollyanna’s however stating “I feel awful” v’s “I feel a little less than great” helps the unconscious mind to find ways to feel great rather than keep feeling awful.

There are many techniques to support changing beliefs and one suggestion is to write down your belief, next scribe all the references that you have to support that belief as being true.  Which of those are perceptions and which of those are true.

Next pen the references which you have to support that an opposite and supportive belief is true.    Get as many references as you can, use other people or situations as examples.

Now consider the cost, right now and in the future, of allowing that negative belief to continue to have a hold over you.  Write them down, keep finding as many as you can, expanding on those you have already noted because when we find enough costs and create enough pain around the negative believe we will embed a reason to let that belief go.

yogaStructural / Physical
Whilst we have somewhat touched on this area within the previous two areas, there still are additional situations for consideration.  Noting structural / physical typically relates to your physical body yet can also relate to other forms.

Whether we are or aren’t doing exercise can have a major impact on our structure and physical body.  Exercise aids the lymphatic system which is crucial in the detoxing process,  so no exercise may result in a sluggish lymphatic system.

Yet too even if we are doing an exercise which we enjoy it doesn’t necessarily mean it is the best for us.  Extreme training, high intensity training or over training may cause a number of biochemical responses which could result in serious damage to one’s health, both the short and long term.

The key is to find the medium (as in type of exercise and amount of) which your body responds healthily.

Sleep Deprivation
When you consider that sleep deprivation was a form of torture, lack of sleep can have a major impact on our health and well being.  There can be either internal or external factors which are impacting sleep, consider what these are for you and then seek natural solutions.

The physical environment in which place ourselves, whether this be our workplace, home or even where we socialise can play havoc with our health and well being.  It could be a toxic environment due to the personalities that also “inhabit” there, or perhaps due to the building is unhealthy (mould, air conditioning, no natural light).

If any of these environments are less than healthy for you (and that can be for a myriad of reasons), then it is time to consider applying neutralisation, transformation or elimination to that environment.

Material things, such as books, clothes, magazines, paperwork, furniture, can create or add to clutter.  Many people hold onto things, some of which may have never been referenced to and add little value.  Or things which hold connections to the past and are a subconscious reminder of a time, person, place which undermines our now.

“Spring” clean regularly, if it doesn’t serve  your or you won’t use it then perhaps it is time to let it go.

Considering the purpose of detoxing, as well as the triad of health, it is easy to see that when detoxing its much more than our physical body.  There are many ways to help strengthen our natural systems and to create efficiency and balance.

Any change at first can be less than easy, however small and gradual changes are the key.  Ultimately when you start seeing and feeling the benefits you’ll appreciate the process you’ve undertaken.

Changing your behaviour

Is “Why” of your behaviour impeding you?

“Why…..”  any question that starts this way is a justification question, whether we are asking it of ourselves or another, it immediately has the person (including ourselves) defending their position and/or behaviour.  It doesn’t look to explore the situation, it simply seeks out reasoning and usually that of a negative context.

So recently when during several separate Kinesiology balances clients stated “I can’t understand why I’m doing <x> behaviour”, I started to wonder how important is it to know the why or is that line of questioning simply a sabotage pattern keeping them stuck.

Whilst questions can be a positive tool which can send our mind in search of new insights, such questions are more effective when they start with a pronoun that explores the situation or behaviour such as:

  • “how is this situation/behaviour of benefit to me?”
  • “what are the hidden benefits that stop me from changing?”
  • “how would I like to be?”
  • “what would it take in order for me to change”
  • “when is this situation / behaviour more prevalent”

Consider these questions versus “why do I do this?” and it is easy to see the difference in the answer that the question elicits.

In having a necessity to understand “why” it maintains a person’s focus on the current behaviour and whatever we focus on, we tend to do more of.  Therefore rather than move forward, needing an answer for “why” preserves the status quo and impedes change.

Whilst questions which give insights to a situation or behaviour can be helpful, it is not necessary to have that insight for transformation to occur.  When we want to transform ourselves there are other strategies that better empower us and move us towards what we desire.

Have a goal
Goals give us a destination in which to arrive, something for us to focus on and therefore direct our energy to.  Ideally a goal reflects the preferred behaviour or situation a person desires and is more effective when written as a positive statement.

The word motivation is derived from the Latin term motivus “a moving cause”, so a well defined goal can move us to take action towards that cause / goal.  Which means we are now moving forward, towards something important and the why is no longer significant.

Go Public
People who write down their goals increase their likelihood to achieve the goal by 42%, however when we tell someone else about our goal we increase that likelihood to 78%.  By going public it increases our desire to succeed, because success makes us feel good about ourselves.

Yet too others, who love and support us, want us to succeed so they will keep us to task by checking in on us, increasing our accountability to the goal.

Identify your triggers
You may be already, yet if not, bring awareness to what triggers your behaviour or situation.  What are the internal or external factors that activate and prompt this behaviour or put you in the situation  you don’t want to be in.  Sometimes it will be one thing or it may be several.

Once identified write the trigger/s down as the next step is to now create strategies to combat them.  As Olympic champion Mark Spritz said “If you fail to prepared, you’re prepared to fail”.   Having strategies 1. prepares yourself for how you can act differently when being triggered, giving yourself greater references and thus choices,   2. awareness of what people, places or situations to avoid and 3. to create and reinforce positive internal framework to minimise or cease internal triggers.

Care for self
Not eating well, drinking enough water or getting enough sleep are indicators of a lack of self esteem, unconsciously reinforcing we are not good enough.  It decreases our energy, making us vulnerable for relapsing and old habits.

However when we care for ourselves, by eating life-giving foods, drinking enough water to be hydrated and sleep well we now tell our unconscious mind that we are worthy and deserving.  At a physical level we’ve now given our body the fundamental stuff it needs to create energy.  Energy creates the strength and vitality needed not just for the physical action yet also mental activity so our focus remains where we need it.

Start small
The best way to make lasting change is to make minor changes regularly.  The change is gradual however not overwhelming.  When change becomes too overwhelming it becomes too hard and most people give up.  So do change in a way that you don’t even notice and overwhelming doesn’t have a chance!

Reward yourself
When you reward yourself for the positive changes you have made, the milestones you have achieved, you are giving yourself positive feedback and reinforcing that making the changes  are worthwhile.

So rather than be pre-occupied with why you are where you are at, get busy with being engaged with where you are going and more importantly where you want to be.

Healing from a destructive relationship

Healing from a destructive relationship

All too often beautiful, sensitive, kind and giving souls attract disrespectful, destructive and damaging relationships.  The kind of relationship that aims to bring them down. To chip away at any positive sense of self they may have.  That  seeks to dim the radiant light of their soul and leave them in need of healing.

Whilst often this refers to a romantic relationship, it can also relate to any type of relationship – a friend, co-worker or even a family member. It has been my experience that people who attract an unhealthy and/or destructive relationship either fall into one of two categories or can be a combination of both:

Empaths are high sensitive souls, attuned to the energies of other people, places or things. Whilst they can become overwhelmed by people, they often are considered a “people person” and tend to attract those who are in need of healing.  They may have boundaries, however the tend to be boundaries which are easily manipulated because they tend to put others first.

Whilst highly attuned and intuitive, they see the best in others.  They can see past a person’s behaviour and who the person is at a soul level and it is this trait which can find them in a destructive relationship.

People who disqualify themselves are those who don’t see or feel themselves worthy, usually telling themselves as such.  They are likely to be insecure and/or lack confidence and don’t value their positive attributes they do possess.  These type of people also usually lack strong boundaries or don’t have any boundaries at all.

Due to their low sense of self they unknowingly have a negative energy marker, thus attracting people who reinforce their disqualification. An energy marker can be likened to a vibrational neon sign that tells people how to treat you.

No matter what the category, the destructive person perceives the beautiful soul as being weaker and therefore easily manipulated.  This perception is to feed their innate need for superiority, power and control and funny enough their own deep insecurity.

Congruent advice for those who find themselves in such a relationship is to find a safe way to extract yourself from it.  Very rarely will destructive people change and unless they are willing to undergo the work to do so and then demonstrate they have changed, your trust and hope is misplaced.

Once you leave such a situation your healing work can begin.  Such healing may involve:

  • Tough Love
    Get yourself a pen, some paper and be prepared to write down the answers to the following questions.  Get real, get honest with yourself.

    • What are the main reasons the relationship ended?
    • What is fact about the situation? and what is fantasy?
    • What is the lesson in this for me?
    • What is the reason I am allowing myself to feel powerless?
    • What values am I nourishing?  Are they the right values?
    • What do I believe that has allowed me to accept this?
    • What do I need to change right now that will move me towards what I really want?
  • Love beings at home
    In order to attract someone who loves, respects and supports you, you need to be these things for yourself first.  Its important to love the duality that exists within, our positive aspects and our not so positive aspects.  Noting that both have benefits and drawbacks, as this is the dualism of life.
    Since we can only attract matter which vibrates at or below our own vibration, when you sincerely love who you are, your energy elevates to attract someone who can sincerely love you too.
  • Boundaries
    Define your boundaries, know absolutely where the line in the sand is as to what you are and are not willing to accept from others.  Know emphatically that if what someone is offering is anything less than what is acceptable, you are allowed to say “no thank you”.Arm yourself by preparing your responses and ways you can decline situations which you are not willing to accept, as this makes declining much easier.
  • Healing the Addiction
    As strange as it may seem some people get addicted to the drama of the situation, perhaps because it gives them attention, love and support from others, all things which they are not giving themselves.At an unconscious level we seek situations to create order and certainty, as certainty gives us validation and makes us feel safe.  So if a person has previously been treated badly they may unknowingly seek out situations which reinforce what they are use to and therefore creates “order” and validates them (even if this is validating the wrong thing).As with any addiction the first step is to acknowledge that this has been happening and then make daily awareness a part of your routine.  Review your actions of the day to determine if you have displayed drama addictive behaviour and what you could do differently in future.  Anne Wilson Schaef said “Awareness if the key.  When I know what I am doing, I have the option to Change”
  • Redefine what love is
    Our external world is reflective of our inner one.  All we have to do is look around us, the type of people or situations we attract, how others treat us to know what is going on deep within.Assess how others treat and interact with you, what does it say to you about how your define love?  Is it healthy?  Is it what you really want love to be?Now define and get very clear on what you want love to be, what does it look, feel and sound like?  The next step is to start doing those things for yourself or visualise others loving you via your new definition.
  • Transform Beliefs
    Beliefs are generalizations we have of ourselves and the world around us and therefore the principles that we chose to live by.  Beliefs are what we consider to be true and therefore create & shape our reality – our map of the world which we consider to be real.
    It is our beliefs that strongly determine what action we do or don’t take (our behaviour) as well as having an affect on how we feel.  Beliefs commence with a single thought which embeds in our subconscious which we then seek references to make it true.  Thus it is imperative to shatter negative beliefs and reinforce or create positive ones.
  • Change your focus
    One of the most common phrases I hear when a person has walked away from a destructive relationship is “What if they find someone else?”.   This question unhealthily directs your focus and reinforces the thought “I’m not good enough”.
    Reality is that they most likely will find someone else however remind yourself that you chose to reject what they were offering and not accept what they were capable of giving you.  So if they find someone else it is because the new person is willing to accept what that person is capable of giving.
    Re-phrasing the situation can help such as thinking “I may have lost someone who didn’t love me, however more importantly they lost someone who loved them”

The healing process isn’t usually an overnight fix, it is a journey of re-discovery and change.  A journey which can be at times arduous, however one which will ultimately be the most rewarding.

The process of healing an aching heart

Our heart can ache for a myriad of reasons; a relationship or friendship breaking down, a fight with someone we care about, a choice we made or that was made for us, the death of a person, animal, situation we love or have attachment to and even changing jobs or moving house.

Heart ache, no matter what reason is essentially grief, and most (if not all) endings will result in a person undergoing the grief cycle.  Through her extensive research Elizabeth Kúbler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist and pioneer in near-death studies,  determined the Five Stages of Grief, which are:

  1. Denial
    Denial is a conscious or unconscious to not being willing to accept the situation where the person can isolate themselves due to their refusal of the situation.  It can be due to their disbelief that the situation is happening and tends to be a defence mechanism which is masking the person’s shock of the situation.
  2. Anger
    A person will use anger as an emotion to deflect from their vulnerability of the situation and it can manifest in various ways.  They can be angry at themselves, at those close to them or those who were involved in the situation.  Endeavouring to be non-judgement with those in this stage of grief and remaining detached can assist both, all, parties.
  3.  Bargaining
    This is where the person yearns for what has been lost and is categorised by the “if only” or “what if” statements. It’s where we want the situation to return to what we knew it to be, to be able to go back in time and do something different so a positive outcome happens.  Guilt is often an emotion experienced in this stage, as the person thinks of what they could have done and feel guilty for not having done it.
  4. Depression
    Here the person is preparing to bid farewell and is an indicator that the person has begun to accept the reality of the situation.  It can be described as acceptance with emotional attachment and it is natural for the person to experience feelings of sadness and regret, fear and uncertainty.
  5. Acceptance
    Usually this stage is marked by a calmness and acknowledgement of the situation, recognising that this is their reality and thus now living with the permanence of the change.  The person has re-adjusted to life as they now know it and are allowing themselves to make new connections and to enjoy life again.

Grief is a very personal thing and everyone grieves differently.  The stages do not necessary occur in a specific order, nor is there a time limit or potency set for each stage.  Also it is possible for a person to experience a stage more than once.

An important factor in healing from loss is accepting or finding support from others, whether that support be from friends, family, groups, a healer or therapist, and knowing that support comes in various forms such as listening, reassurance or practical assistance.

Yet the key to moving towards acceptance is for the person to honour how they feel rather than resisting or denying their emotions, as resistance only tends to prolong the healing process.

Shattering the Fear Barrier

There I was kitted up with safety gear and connected to our Tree Top Adventure at Yarramundi, NSW (near Sydney), trying to take the first step…I’m not sure why it had never occurred to me that our adventure would involve heights, you’d think the name of this adventure park would have given it away, however not once did it cross my mind and I found myself literally frozen to the spot.

I couldn’t move, the communication from my brain to my legs was blocked with negative chatter which was causing me neurological stress, stopping me from not being able to gather my thoughts.

If you have ever experienced immobilising fear then you will understand how your heart rate increases, your body temperate rises, you can’t think straight and your legs become jelly with no strength to move, feeling like you are stuck to the spot.

So there I was experiencing all of these symptoms, with my beautiful eight year old off and away making her way through the course.  Firstly I tried to coax her to come back, suggesting we go do the easy kids option, yet she couldn’t hear me (or wasn’t listening) .  Then I discovered, due to the way the safety gear works, once your hooked on to the wire the only way to get off (apart from finishing the course) is to call for the supervisor to unlock you…and in that moment there was no supervisor in sight…so there seemed to be only one way to deal with my fear and that was to face it head on and move forward.

The power of our mind is a truly marvellous thing and reminds me of a time when at the dentist.  Due to an abscess I required a tooth extraction, the thought of the pain involved with this procedure was so overwhelming for me that the dentist’s only option was to do the work with me “zoned” me out.  I was given a drug that relaxed me to such a deep level that I had no conscious awareness of what was happening.

A few weeks later I was back to have my teeth cleaned and the dentist commented how he couldn’t understand how I could have my teeth cleaned without any support (to zone me out).  I told him “oh that’s easy, in my mind having my teeth cleaned doesn’t hurt”.

What an epiphany that laid within that response, the key words being “in my mind”.

Whilst our bodies may respond physically, the fear of a situation (or (most) people, places or things) begins in our mind and we make whatever we are telling ourself so real that our body responds to support our thoughts.

As I stood high up above the ground on that wire, with limited choices, I acknowledged my fear and decided that being a positive role model for my daughter was more important.  In that moment I realised that what I was telling myself was not real, it really was False Evidence Appearing Real.   So I took one step and then another, and then another AND it was exhilarating.

The brain has a natural tendency to seek out negatives, inherited from our cavemen ancestors whom such thinking and being “on guard” was critical to their survival, however their amgydala response reactions which imprinted, are still inherent within us.

The emotional part of our brain is the amygdala, which regulates our fight or fight response.  It monitors situations and determines what our response should be and is often engaged even before our neocortex (rational brain) has awareness of what is happening.

In order to change this we need to re-train the amygdala and put in practice ways to calm the amygdala and engage the neocortex.   Here are some ideas that you can work with to achieve this:

  • Breathe
    With mindfulness and intention focus on deep breathing.  Breathing in through your nose, counting to ten, so your ribcage rises as you expand your chest.  Now breathe out slowly through your mouth or nose if more comfortable.
    This techniques gives your neocortex time to catch up with the amygdala and therefore give you a rational option for response, yet too it increase the oxygen in your body stimulating the parasympathetic nervous system and promoting a calm state.
  • Focus
    Change your focus to something you can appreciate or see as a positive about the situation, as it is difficult for the brain to experience two emotions at the same time.
  • Awareness
    If you can do this in the moment, even better, however afterwards is fine.  Consider your response and what the trigger was that prompted your response, because when we know the trigger then we can consider what a more appropriate response is to it and how you would like to act in future.
    To embed the new response you can use NLP Swish response or even a simple visualisation of yourself acting in the new way to the trigger.
  • Creative Activities
    Any creative activity such as imagination, meditation, visualisation, art, cooking, dance, singing stimulates the frontal lobes of the brain where the neocortex is located, making it easier to remain focussed and be in charge of our your reactions.
  • Regulating Fear
    This is one of my favourite bits of advice, to do something you find fearful (which is safe and within reason) on a regular basis.  When we do this we train our brain that it is OK to feel fear and to not be disabled by it.  We are also practising courageousness and creating new neurological connections.

Lastly I have found not only personally yet also with clients Kinesiology to be a wonderful modality which aids a person to bypass their conscious mind and re-align their neocortex (as well as energy centres) so they can more easily move towards what they want.

In the immortal words of Susan Jeffers “Feel the fear and do it anyway”.