All too often beautiful, sensitive, kind and giving souls attract disrespectful, destructive and damaging relationships. The kind of relationship that aims to bring them down. To chip away at any positive sense of self they may have. That seeks to dim the radiant light of their soul and leave them in need of healing.
Whilst often this refers to a romantic relationship, it can also relate to any type of relationship – a friend, co-worker or even a family member. It has been my experience that people who attract an unhealthy and/or destructive relationship either fall into one of two categories or can be a combination of both:
Empaths are high sensitive souls, attuned to the energies of other people, places or things. Whilst they can become overwhelmed by people, they often are considered a “people person” and tend to attract those who are in need of healing. They may have boundaries, however the tend to be boundaries which are easily manipulated because they tend to put others first.
Whilst highly attuned and intuitive, they see the best in others. They can see past a person’s behaviour and who the person is at a soul level and it is this trait which can find them in a destructive relationship.
People who disqualify themselves are those who don’t see or feel themselves worthy, usually telling themselves as such. They are likely to be insecure and/or lack confidence and don’t value their positive attributes they do possess. These type of people also usually lack strong boundaries or don’t have any boundaries at all.
Due to their low sense of self they unknowingly have a negative energy marker, thus attracting people who reinforce their disqualification. An energy marker can be likened to a vibrational neon sign that tells people how to treat you.
No matter what the category, the destructive person perceives the beautiful soul as being weaker and therefore easily manipulated. This perception is to feed their innate need for superiority, power and control and funny enough their own deep insecurity.
Congruent advice for those who find themselves in such a relationship is to find a safe way to extract yourself from it. Very rarely will destructive people change and unless they are willing to undergo the work to do so and then demonstrate they have changed, your trust and hope is misplaced.
Once you leave such a situation your healing work can begin. Such healing may involve:
- Tough Love
Get yourself a pen, some paper and be prepared to write down the answers to the following questions. Get real, get honest with yourself.
- What are the main reasons the relationship ended?
- What is fact about the situation? and what is fantasy?
- What is the lesson in this for me?
- What is the reason I am allowing myself to feel powerless?
- What values am I nourishing? Are they the right values?
- What do I believe that has allowed me to accept this?
- What do I need to change right now that will move me towards what I really want?
- Love beings at home
In order to attract someone who loves, respects and supports you, you need to be these things for yourself first. Its important to love the duality that exists within, our positive aspects and our not so positive aspects. Noting that both have benefits and drawbacks, as this is the dualism of life.
Since we can only attract matter which vibrates at or below our own vibration, when you sincerely love who you are, your energy elevates to attract someone who can sincerely love you too.
Define your boundaries, know absolutely where the line in the sand is as to what you are and are not willing to accept from others. Know emphatically that if what someone is offering is anything less than what is acceptable, you are allowed to say “no thank you”.Arm yourself by preparing your responses and ways you can decline situations which you are not willing to accept, as this makes declining much easier.
- Healing the Addiction
As strange as it may seem some people get addicted to the drama of the situation, perhaps because it gives them attention, love and support from others, all things which they are not giving themselves.At an unconscious level we seek situations to create order and certainty, as certainty gives us validation and makes us feel safe. So if a person has previously been treated badly they may unknowingly seek out situations which reinforce what they are use to and therefore creates “order” and validates them (even if this is validating the wrong thing).As with any addiction the first step is to acknowledge that this has been happening and then make daily awareness a part of your routine. Review your actions of the day to determine if you have displayed drama addictive behaviour and what you could do differently in future. Anne Wilson Schaef said “Awareness if the key. When I know what I am doing, I have the option to Change”
- Redefine what love is
Our external world is reflective of our inner one. All we have to do is look around us, the type of people or situations we attract, how others treat us to know what is going on deep within.Assess how others treat and interact with you, what does it say to you about how your define love? Is it healthy? Is it what you really want love to be?Now define and get very clear on what you want love to be, what does it look, feel and sound like? The next step is to start doing those things for yourself or visualise others loving you via your new definition.
- Transform Beliefs
Beliefs are generalizations we have of ourselves and the world around us and therefore the principles that we chose to live by. Beliefs are what we consider to be true and therefore create & shape our reality – our map of the world which we consider to be real.
It is our beliefs that strongly determine what action we do or don’t take (our behaviour) as well as having an affect on how we feel. Beliefs commence with a single thought which embeds in our subconscious which we then seek references to make it true. Thus it is imperative to shatter negative beliefs and reinforce or create positive ones.
- Change your focus
One of the most common phrases I hear when a person has walked away from a destructive relationship is “What if they find someone else?”. This question unhealthily directs your focus and reinforces the thought “I’m not good enough”.
Reality is that they most likely will find someone else however remind yourself that you chose to reject what they were offering and not accept what they were capable of giving you. So if they find someone else it is because the new person is willing to accept what that person is capable of giving.
Re-phrasing the situation can help such as thinking “I may have lost someone who didn’t love me, however more importantly they lost someone who loved them”
The healing process isn’t usually an overnight fix, it is a journey of re-discovery and change. A journey which can be at times arduous, however one which will ultimately be the most rewarding.