Monthly Archives: June 2019

Self Worth

Self worth ~ The foundation of empowerment

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines self worth as ” a sense of one’s own value as a human being”. It is interesting that this definition defines self worth on how a person sees themselves when in reality many people base their self worth on how they perceive others see them and/or how others treat them.

From working with clients in the emotional / mental space I have questioned where does self worth really come from. What I’ve determined is that it is based on our belief system about our self. Our beliefs about who we are, our beliefs as to what we do and don’t deserve and what we will and won’t accept.

Most of our belief and neurological patterns occur from the ages of two to seven.  At a time when we were unable to question what we were told, and when our parents are the most significant role models we have. Therefore the words they use (or don’t use), the actions they take (or don’t take), their reactions and non- reactions, all of which are teaching us and giving us conscious and unconscious messaging.

We then interact with the world by connecting with family, going to daycare, then school or even watching television.  All of which we discover other significant role models, who also can have a strong influence on us. Reinforcing our beliefs or supplement our beliefs by giving us new ones.

All of which is at an age when we did not have the necessary tools, nor resources to test the truisms of what we told, taught or shown.

Whilst beliefs can be created from various other sources, it is primarily significant people to whom we consciously or unconsciously give authority to regarding our self worth.

As a child or teenager it is understandable that we consider significant people in our lives as an authority ~ because they usually do have a role to discipline, decide what is right for us and give us orders. Yet as we grow into adulthood we don’t realise that we are most likely continuing to give their voice a platform.

As we mature we bring others into our lives in the form of friends and partners. People who whom we hold in strong regard and thus can have a strong influence on us and thus whom may impact our worthiness or lack thereof.

I recall in college an English teacher who told me that my writing was no good. As she was my teacher, an authority figure, I believed her. The way she also gave me this feedback, it seemed to me, that I would never be any good at it.

However I love writing. I love the creation aspect of it and it is something that gives me joy. It is something that when I am in the flow, I do so with ease. However what I realised was there was a block to me writing, instead I’d find other activities that “needed” doing.

Whilst it could be said I was procrastinating, it actually was this teacher’s words unconsciously playing in the background. Because whenever I went to write I became aware I was doubting the quality of my writing and whether any one would want to read it.

Another example of where my worth was dependant on a “significant other” was an ex-boyfriend who cheated several times during our relationship. I took his cheating as a sign that there was something wrong with me for him to do that.

In order to build your self worth you need to have awareness. Awareness of who are the significant other/s to whom you have, or are, giving a platform to. A platform for their voice and/or behaviours to mean more than your own.

The next step is consciously to take your power back from them. This is done by our “Calling your Spirit back” meditation ( http://innersagisms.thinkific.com/courses/calling-your-spirit-back-audio ).

Alternatively you can take your power back by knowing you have choice as to what you do and don’t listen to. I do this by simply saying to myself “I choose not to listen to those words any longer. I choose to listen to my own”.

You can also take your power back by re-framing what you made their actions or words mean. Re-framing is a method used to look at things from a different perspective to view a person, experience or situation in a more empowering way.

Taking the example of the teacher. As soon as I realised her words were playing in the background, I made a choice to no longer allow them to. I also re-framed this by understanding that what I wrote didn’t mean her expectations. Whilst it could have possibly needed work, it didn’t mean what I wrote was all “bad”.

Also in the example of the ex-boyfriend. We had chosen to be in a committed relationship and he didn’t maintain our agreement. It had nothing to do with me, it was about his choices. I stopped making his actions about me and instead identified his actions as reflective of him.

Significant others can trigger the creation of a belief about yourself and your worth, however you will have been seeking out references to support that belief. To help release these references you want to question their validity yet also seek out references where the opposite is true.

Using the example of the teacher, such alternative references are the many clients who’ve told me how much they love my articles and how much they help them. I’ve also been approached by publications asking me if they can use my articles. Other references are the articles which have been published.

The more references you seek out that reflect your self worth then the stronger that belief will be.

Your worth is within you. Stop giving others the power to affect how you feel about your self. Go within and from inside out build your own worth. Be your authority on who you are and the value you bring.

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Fear, Anxiety, Anxious, Courage, Brave, Fearless

Anxiety and Fear – friend or foe?

Anxiety and fear are interrelated emotions, using the same or similar neurological pathways for processing information.  Anxiety is the physical reactions that develop due to fear or stress.  Fear can result as a response to anxious cues.

Either way anxiety and fear have become quite prevalent and widespread in today’s society and way of living.  It is common, and even normal, from time to time to feel anxious and experience fear.  In fact fear is our inbuilt response to external stimuli that is designed to keep us safe.  Anxiety can help us to take action and to make informed decisions.

The problem occurs however when such feelings or physical symptoms are so strongly associated with that it becomes consuming and takes the person into a spiralling state.   So is fear and anxiety a friend or foe?

When we stop, deny or repress an emotion we actually block the neural pathway that also allows the feel good chemicals, and thus emotions, to flow.  Rather than stop, deny or repress such emotions we need to treat them as “friends” and dissolve them.

As previous mentioned we are naturally inbuilt with a fight or flight response.  The aim of such response is to keep us safe and alive, which is our primal goal in life.  So fear, and anxiety, from that perspective is extremely beneficial.  You really wouldn’t want to come across a Coastal Eastern Taipan snake and be courageous and fearless.

Yet too from an emotional or spiritual perspective fear and anxiety have a positive reason for existing.  Ultimately they are endeavouring to get our attention as there is a contradiction as to where we are directing our thoughts and energy with what is constructive and advantageous for us.  It is telling us we are energetically misaligned.

Candace Pert, a neurophysicist, through her research showed that emotions create peptides that connect / dock in the receptors of cells throughout the body.  Thus emotions are creating physical reactions in the body.   As noted before we know that fear often creates symptoms of anxiety.

So fundamentally when it comes to fear, and anxiety, we need our brain to be communicating more appropriately and in a way that serves us.  Perhaps we need to consider the reason the fear (or anxiety) is showing up and what it is endeavouring to get our attention for.

We know that the unconscious mind’s role is to keep us safe.  To look out for dangers and direct us to act in a way that keeps us alive and out of dangers way.  However often its reference of what is “safe” is based on historical data that is most likely outdated and no longer supporting or serving us.

It is also important to understand that as mammals we want to belong.  Consider mammals in the wild, their safety and ability to remain alive is dependant on being accepted in the group.  If not they are shunned to the perimeter of the group where they are more likely to be taken by predators.

So often our fear is due to not wanting to be different, and thus not shunned, by others.  So we act in a way that our “group” does (which can be family, friends, colleagues) and/or in a way that we consider they will find acceptable.

Did you know that fear and excitement use the same energy?  What happens thought is most people tend to misread excitement as fear, thus sabotaging themselves from taking action and enabling change.

Being fearful creates a misconception that we do not have choice, which debilitates us from making change.  Also it is likely the old way of being has been acted upon for such a long time that it has created a strong neural pathways hence why we often act without thinking.

Most of our patterns of behaviour are created in the unconscious mind between the ages of two and seven.  The way to change these patterns, and create new pathways, is repetition.  

What precedes change and choice is awareness.  Awareness of how your fears are causing you to act and disempower you.  Once we have awareness we then have choice to either repeat the pattern of behaviour or to create change and new behaviour.

We need to know that the unconscious mind will endeavour to keep the old patterns because it considers them safe.  This is the reason change can be less than easy.  However more you disengage with the old pattern and act in the new way you minimise and disempower the old way of acting.

Thus in order to address anxiety, ideally you would address the fears that are underpinning or causing it.  To do this you need to uncover what are the beliefs that create the fear and start acknowledging or creating references where the opposite is true. 

Everyone’s anxiety experience of anxiety is different.  Anxiety symptoms are real, headaches, dizziness, trembling, sweaty, unsettled stomach or nausea, feeling faint, shaky and breathing difficulties are a few.

What people tend to do is focus on the symptoms rather than them simply being a way to get the person’s attention.  It is also important to consider that your anxiety symptoms could be a pattern of how you are keeping yourself “safe”.  Thus you are unconsciously doing this because it is habitual.

I believe that emotions are not bad, they are showing up for a reason.  Therefore it is important to dissolve the emotion rather than run or hide from it.  So firstly acknowledge that you are feeling anxious and that it is ok for you to feel that way, as long as you don’t let it spiral you down. 

Next  bring awareness to  what it is you were focusing on, thinking or talking about.  For me I can wake up feeling this way and I’ve come to realise it can be due to a dream I was having or something I was thinking about before going to bed.

Then consider what is it you need in order to feel better and/or what is the solution to what you were thinking about or focusing on.

Another technique to help alleviate anxiety, in order to work on the underlying fears,  is the 4-7-8 breathing pattern.  This is a breathing rhythm developed by Dr. Andrew Weil, based on ancient yogic pranayama technique.  It helps to oxygenate the body which helps to calm the nerves, relaxing and centring the body.

Breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of seven and breathe out for a count of eight.  Continue doing this for a min. of four rounds and as you get more comfortable with the technique you can do so for up to eight rounds.  

As a kinesiologist I have seen many clients use kinesiology techniques to help support them dissolve fears and thus anxiety.  Helping them to be stronger within themselves.  The great thing about kinesiology is that it doesn’t use a “one size fits all” approach, it uses the wisdom of your internal healing system to find out specifically what you need.

So is fear and anxiety friend or foe?  Ultimately I believe it is a friend, one that can be “cruel to be kind”.  Just wanting our attention so that we are congruent within ourselves to create what we truly want and are capable of achieving.

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