Category Archives: Kinesiology

Resilience

Creating and Living with Resilience

No matter how much personal development or “work” we do on ourselves there will always be people, situations or things that happen which will stress, challenge and most likely upset us.  Resilience is the one thing that makes a major difference to how well we “bounce back” from such times.

Resilience is the ability to adapt, overcome and rebound from less than easy life events and experiences.  To be able to change and approach how we view and address such situations as effectively and beneficially as possible.

It has often been described as an art and perhaps it is, however I more so consider it to be a quality that anyone can create.  Resilience can be described as a choice; a choice to rise beyond adversity.

To transcend the pain, stress and unhappiness to develop mastery over how something affects you.  To develop a strong self worth and belief within yourself and your capabilities.  Thus to know that you can handle anything that comes your way.

Benefits of resilience

Due to our personal history, influential people in our life and the environment we have been brought up in, resilience will vary from person to person.  Also during our lifetime our resilience can fluctuate.

So whilst some people will be more resilient than others, most people will need to develop this trait.  The most common way to do this is to experience challenging situations however there are methods we can consciously engage to help build resilience.

Individuals who have resilience tend to:

  • have a positive “self” relationship (self confidence, self worth, self belief, self respect and self love)
  • be in control of and manage their emotions effectively
  • accept that life is a balance of  “Yin / Yang” (good and not so good AND there is good in the not so good)
  • have self awareness of their reactions in order to change them
  • understand the motivation behind others reactions and behaviours
  • believe they can influence situations
  • live in an empowered mindset rather than a victim mentality
  • seek solutions rather than problems
  • are effective listeners and communicators
  • develop networks and ask for help when needed

Building Resilience

As previously mentioned anyone can build resilience if they choose to.  For some, due to their circumstances and adversities, they may already have resilience however they may not have acknowledged it.

So perhaps the first step is to consider and acknowledge where you actually do have resilience. What are those situations where you’ve been able to demonstrate the above traits?

Other ways to build resilience are:

  • Start each day with being heart unified.  Place your hands in your heart area.  This helps to bring your consciousness from your head into your heart.  Now consider what are you (or could you be) grateful for?  Who are you grateful for?  What happened today or yesterday that you are thankful for?  What makes you happy?  or makes you smile?
  • Keep a success journal.  For how we suggest to do this, read our article:  Inner Sage Article – Journalling
  • Know yourself to Love yourself.  List your positive traits and strengths.  Now list your negative traits.  Now what are the positives / benefits of those negative traits.
  • Redefine what perfection is.  Know there is perfection in imperfection and consider this:  how do you know that what you consider as “imperfection” is not actually perfect?!!
  • Nurture yourself, do something that is just for you
  • Connect with like minded people and/or spend time with people who make you laugh and feel good
  • Consider what is in your sphere of influence and what is not.  Give energy only to those things that you can influence and/or change.  Let go of what you can’t.
  • Learn something new.  Not only does it help make new neurological pathways it also shows you that you ARE capable
  • Do something “fearful” each day.  By doing so we are teaching ourselves to “feel the fear and do it anyway”.  Each time building your confidence muscle that you CAN achieve things
  • Make a list of what you’ve been putting aside and do one thing each day
  • Consider the benefits or upside of a stressful / challenging situation, person, etc.  What is the lesson or insight that it provides for you

Resilience is similar to Rome, it wasn’t built in one day.  If you are serious to building it then you will need to commit to taking actions on a regular basis.  When you do this you will find the easier it does become to bounce back from those challenging and stressful situations.

If after trying these techniques you are still struggling with building resilience then consider scheduling an appointment for kinesiology.  You can book an appointment with us via:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

 

 

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Funk

Releasing the funk that impedes action

Funk is a word which has many meanings, in fact did you know it derives from a Latin word “fumigare” meaning “to smoke”.   For the purpose of this article it refers to that state of being where a person is feeling flat and demotivated, thus leading them to evade or avoid certain tasks.

Its important to understand that funks are a perfectly normal part of life.  It is the Yin/Yang ; the balance of life.  Which means if / when you find yourself in a funk there will be a reason for it.  Often when I find myself in a funk it is usually because I’ve been working too much and my funk reminds me I need to take time out.

Many years ago when I’d find myself in a funk, I would fight it.  I’d do everything I could to avoid and evade the feelings until one day I decided to stop fighting it.  I started to be aware that my funk had many benefits to it.

I noticed that when I was “funking” it was the only time I would ask for help and reach out to my friends.   My funk also helped me to come up with brilliant ideas, strategies and insights.  Also it was my catalyst to nurture and take care of myself.

In that moment, where I stopped fighting my funk and allowed it just to be, it vanished.  There is a wonderful saying “what you resist; persists”.  So I noticed that as I embraced the lesson my funk was trying to teach me, it was no longer needed.

Now when it comes to life lessons, I can be a slow learner, thus yes the lesson (and funk) has occasionally reappeared.  However never to the depths that it had previously.  This is because when my funk appears I now know the funk has a purpose and usually its to remind me that there is something I need to be doing which I haven’t been.

So your funk has a reason too, it’s trying to get your attention so you can learn a lesson and/or gain insights.  Maybe its to take time out or perhaps you taken enough time out.  That it’s time to set goals and take action.  It could be that your funk is reminding you to be grateful for what you have.  

Another possibility is that your funk is reminding you that you need to connect with the earth and ground yourself? or to be aware of what you are thinking, believing and focusing on.   Just know that whatever the message is for you, will be right for you.

The way to find purpose in your funk is to simply ask:  What is the purpose of me feeling this way today? or  What is it I most need today?  or  What is the lesson or information I need to move forward?

Our divine self speaks to us directly and indirectly.   So be aware that the answers may not come to you straight away.  To trust that the information you need will be revealed, at the right time.

Also indirect guidance and answers might come via words / insights of someone else.  It could be words written in a book, or via a song.  Your job is to ask the question, be open to the response and allow for it to be revealed.  The more relaxed your are the easier it will come.

Whilst you wait for your specific guidance regarding your funk, there are still things you can do to support yourself in shifting and moving forward.

Gratitude

In her book Thrive, Arianna Huffington writes how gratitude exercises can have tangible benefits. She notes that, “According to a study by researchers from the University of Minnesota and the University of Florida, having participants write down a list of positive events at the close of a day — and why the events made them happy — lowered their self-reported stress levels and gave them a greater sense of calm at night.”

I believe the reason for this is because it gets you to change your focus.  there are three elements, one of which focus is, that you can change in order to change how you are feeling.

So make a list; what is good in your life right now?  What is it that you are or can be grateful for?  Who are you grateful for?  What is it that you love doing that makes you happy?  What made you smile today?

 

Get into nature

Being outside has many different being.  Most of it which it enables you to ground yourself.  Grounding has both spiritual and physical benefits.  Grounding is the process of connecting yourself to the earthly plane and bonding with mother earth. Native American’s believe that mother earth is the source of all life and is a great teacher to be observed, listened to and respected. Her energy is nurturing and restoring, assisting us to bring and give life to our hopes, dreams and ideas.

 Science tells us that the Earth is abundant with energy, particularly electrons, which have powerful supply of antioxidant effects.   When you connect with the ground, preferably via bare feet, you are able to absorb large amounts of these electrons. Effectively you resonate at the same vibration as the Earth.

So go to the beach, park or simply go stand outside on the grass with no shoes on.  If you can’t do any of those may be go for a walk and soak in the elements, whether that be the wind, sun or rain.  (If the latter just make sure you have a warm shower afterwards).

 

Set Goals

The origin of the word, goal, has been thought to derive either from the Middle English “gale” meaning “a way or course” or the Old Norse word of “geil” meaning “passage”.  Goals thus can be considered as a guiding tool which guide and keep us on course or provide the passage to where we want to be or what we want to have.   As well as a way to measure and track how we are progressing.

Imagine setting sail to sea without any co-ordinates as to where your destination will be.  Whilst you will find a destination it may not be the destination you were after and you may waste a lot of time and energy in getting there.

This is a great analogy of what life is like without goals.  Whilst we are sailing through life and finding ourselves at certain “destinations” they aren’t always the ones we really want to be at or desire.  In addition to this we’ve often wasted a lot of energy in the journey of getting to such destination, as the course taken may not have been as direct as it could have been.  Energy which could have easily been used more effectively.

Goals have an explainable magnetic quality that can attract situations, people and opportunities in order to support you achieving them.  I personally believe that goals are a way to tell the Universe / God / Angels (whomever or whatever you believe in) what it is you want.

If you are unsure of how to set goals perhaps our simple course on goal setting could help:  https://innersagisms.thinkific.com/courses/goal-setting-made-simple/preview

 

Read an inspirational book or watch a movie

Sometimes we need to simply stop and take time out.  So why not sit in your favourite place and utilise that time in a productive way.  Stories about others can help us get re-inspired.

Most movies and books based on true stories have a message of “against all odds” achievement.  That have insights of vulnerability, courage and motivation.  That no matter what life has or is throwing you that things CAN change and that you can too.

Some of our favourites are:  In the pursuit of Happyness, The Blind Side,  Moneyball, Loosing my Virginity, Daring Greatly and Big Magic.

 

 

Exercise

Whether it is going to the gym or getting out for a walk it doesn’t the matter.  Exercise is about getting your body moving in a way that suits you.

When you exercise it helps pump blood to the brain and it also releases the “feel good” endorphins and serotonin.  It also helps to increase the size of the hippocampus, the functions of which are to regulate emotions and to access long term memories.

In addition, exercise also helps create / increase the connections of the brain’s neurons which also helps with focus, ideas and solutions.

Success journal

Scientific evidence indicates that when a person writes they access both aspects of their brain.  The physical act of writing accesses our analytical and rational left brain as well as engages our creative, intuitive, feeling right brain.

By engaging both hemispheres we increase our innovation, which means we are able to transform and morph from situations yet too we are able to apply different methodology and solutions.

Spend 5-10 minutes listing all the achievements you have had during your day.

Remembering that many things constitute as successes and it is idea for you to record all of them, no matter how big or small.

What constitutes as an action worthy of recording are those actions you don’t usually take for example  if you only drink three glasses of water and drink four that constitutes as a success.  If you manage to start writing a report that you have been putting off, that constitutes as a success.

I’ve used this tool personally and with many clients.  It works brilliantly as a re-focusing and motivational tool.

Self Care

Many people find nurturing themselves quite difficult, with a lot of people not even sure how to nurture themselves.  Self care can come in many forms and it is doing in in a way that is best for you.

It might be going and getting your hairs or nails done, it might be simply doing that yourself.  It could be taking your make up off at night, eating the right foods, or drinking water.  It could be having a massage or seeing your kinesiologist.  It could be going for a walk or sitting at the beach and having an ice cream.

Self care doesn’t necessarily mean spending lots of money yet it could.  It is whatever is going to help you feel loved, supported and cared for.  My favourite is buying myself flowers.

 

Change your environment

A definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  For something to change; something needs to change.  Changing your environment relates to many aspects of yourself and life.

It could be changing:

  • the environment of your mind, what you focus on and what you talk about.
  • what you put into your body as in the food you eat, what you drink (or what you don’t eat and drink)
  • your location (inside v’s outside, change of scenery, going to a different cafe or the library)
  • the people in your life or the place in which you work.

 

Remember that funks are a normal part of life, everyone experiences them to some level.  The key is to making sure your funk doesn’t go too low and doesn’t last too long.  Sometimes one of the suggestions may work and at other times you might need to use a combination.  Just know that when you are doing something you are taking action and that action will help support you in taking the action you want to be taking.

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Self Confidence

Ways to build self confidence

To possess self-confidence is to have belief, trust, faith and an assurity in who you are and/or your abilities.  It is an internal state about what  you think and feel about  yourself.  Also depending on what is happening around you, and how you process / respond to those situations, people, etc means that your self confidence is a changeable state.

Building self confidence gives you a tool you can draw upon to stop second-guessing yourself,  to release doubts, manage your fears and to take action.  Self confidence can be likened to a muscle; in that the more you use it the more you strengthen it!

Commonly I have found with clients, when asked what do you need to do to build their self confidence, their response to be “I don’t know”.  For some it is such a foreign concept and thus they don’t know where to start.

Here are some tried and proven ways to build your self confidence:

  • Focus.  At the end of the day review what you achieved and/or what you did well.  Place your focus on what you are doing, rather than what you aren’t doing.
  • Recognise and celebrate your achievements – it’s healthy to do so!
  • Self Talk.  Become aware of how you speak and what you say to yourself.  If it isn’t positive “cancel / delete” it and say something nice to yourself.
  • Exercise.  Go for a walk, run or to the gym.  Yoga, swimming, whatever exercise that makes you feel good.
  • Posture.  Stand tall, shoulders back and head high.  Scientific studies show that posture impacts the brain!
  • Learn something new.  Not only does it help make new neurological pathways it also helps show you that you can grasp new information.
  • Do something “fearful” each day.  By doing so we are teaching ourselves to “feel the fear and do it anyway”.  Each time building your confidence muscle that you CAN achieve things.
  • Smile.  According to science smiling increases endorphin’s which in turn create positive emotions; including confidence!
  • Know yourself.  Understand all aspects of who you are; what your strengths are as well as what you consider your less than great traits are.  The next step is to find the benefits to these “weaknesses”.  When you know who you are and love all aspects of who you are then no one else can affect you.
  • Trust your instincts.  We all have an innate knowing within, learn to listen to it and have faith in what you feel is right / wrong.
  • Emanate someone who is confident.  Consider someone you respect and whom you feel is confident.  Identify what it is they do differently that conveys confidence and how you can embrace that.
  • Stop comparing yourself.  When your compare yourself, you automatically put your self down and discount your own positive aspects.
  • Get clear on the things and people that truly matter to you.  Create a list of the things  or people you have been tolerating and then consider what action you need to take to either remove or minimise the impact.
  • Manual control.  Disengage your auto pilot and be mindful about your decisions so they reflect what really matters to you.
  • Create an action plan.  Be deliberate about action you will take and commit to following through.  Ensure you acknowledge the actions and benefits so you can see your progress.  It helps grow confidence and give self reinforcement.

Being confident isn’t a goal or an end-point that you reach and then stop.  It is an ongoing and continuous process.   Confidence can be likened to a flowering plant.  It doesn’t flower on command, instead after being nourished via various ways it flourishes; over and over again.

If after trying these techniques you are still struggling with your self confidence then consider scheduling an appointment for kinesiology.  You can book an appointment with us via:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

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Kinesiology

Signs it’s time to see a kinesiologist

A Kinesiologist is an energy medicine specialist. Who places emphasis is on health maintenance, client education and responsibility by identifying the causative influences triggering health imbalances.  Anything a Kinesiologist does (or suggests the client does) is to restore health, wellness and vitality, therefore enhancing the clients innate healing energies.

Whilst kinesiology is based on ancient techniques, which have been practised for thousands of years, it is a relatively new modality which was established in the early 1970’s.  Founded on Western philosophies such as Chiropractic, Counselling, Anatomy and Physiology it was coupled with Eastern philosophies such as Meridians, Acupressure, Triad of Health and Chakras.

A fundamental principle of Kinesiology is that the body, mind and spirit has innate ability to heal itself which, at times, needs support to re-align and connect to this innate healing ability.

Humans are three dimensional beings, so it makes sense to use a modality which works on all three aspects, which is what Kinesiology does.  Most modalities are usually only one dimension and in some cases two.  This makes Kinesiology regarded as one of the truly holistic modalities.

So what are the signs which may indicate it’s an ideal time for you to see a kinesiologist?

1.     You’ve experienced a significant loss or change

Any type of loss and/or change can trigger the grief process.  Also loss doesn’t just mean death, it can be a completion of any sort.  Changes or loss can be physically; mentally; spiritually and /or financially.  It may relate to the change or loss of a person; thing and/or place.  Whilst grieving is specific process for the individual kinesiology can support the person through this.

2.     Your over emotional

Many people live with negative emotions, accepting this as their “norm”, which results in them feeling less than great about themselves.  Such feelings may be anxiety, fear, anger, self-doubt, frustration, overwhelm, tiredness / lacking energy, feeling on-edge, sad or teary.  Many of clients have transformed these emotions and transformed their lives.

3.    You are feeling imbalanced

If you describe yourself as feeling “out of sorts”, not “like yourself”, out of harmony and/or imbalanced and don’t have a logical (or medical) reason for feeling this way.   You may also be experiencing stress due to life/work or imbalance.

4.  Your body is giving  you feedback

Our body holds immense wisdom and will give you signs that something isn’t being addressed and thus needs to come back into equilibrium.  Such symptoms may be teeth grinding, insomnia, shortness of breath (for no apparent reason), restlessness, headaches, nail biting, muscle tension or cramping, body aches, stomach upsets or related issues such as bloating, belching, diarrhoea or constipation.

5.    Your neurology is under stress

Signs you are or have experienced neurological stress are brain fogginess, memory issues, loss of balance, co-ordination issues, difficulty concentrating and/or learning, short attention span, disorientation, variances in your vision and/or hearing.

6.  Your internal well being is based on external factors

A sure giveaway that your internal well being is based externally is if you find yourself affected by what people are or aren’t doing and/or who is or isn’t in your life.  Other indicators could be that are you use terminology such as “s/he makes me feel …”, “they did …”, “<x> didn’t happen so I feel …”

7.  Your not living in the now

Are you living in the living in the pain / fear of what has not even happened.  If so it will be resulting in sabotaging behaviour. For example  Tora* wanted to be in a relationship, however she feared being rejected.  When Tora attracts Mr Right there is a 50% chance she may be rejected, however there is also a 50% chance that she may have a loving supportive relationship.    Yet before Tora could even meet Mr Right, she was already living in the pain of being rejected.  *name has been changed for privacy reasons

8.  What you are doing hasn’t or isn’t working

A number of my client have tried one dimensional modalities which, although have worked to some degree, haven’t really helped them shift.  However kinesiology is getting them their desired results.    Whatever it is you are doing, professionally or privately, and it isn’t working then kinesiology might be the right modality to help support your shift.

How to find a kinesiologist

To find a kinesiologist you can search the Australian Kinesiology Association (AKA) website via:  https://www.aka.asn.au.  Check your practitioner is Health Fund registered to ensure their qualifications are current and at the highest industry standard.

 

You can also book an appointment with me via this link The Inner Sage Availability.  Mention this article to receive a 10% discount.

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Overthinking

Overthinking doing your head in?

Most people will, at some stage, partake in overthinking.   Overthinking, or ruminating as psychology refers to it, is not in itself a bad thing.  In fact overthinking can have its positives.  However it is when overthinking becomes a daily practice then it has negative impacts.

Let’s liken overthinking to chocolate; chocolate isn’t that bad for you when eaten in small amounts occasionally.  It is is dark chocolate with no sugar then it can have health benefits. However when chocolate is eaten everyday and is loaded with sugar then it has negative impacts.

Same too with over thinking.  Overthinking can affect people in such ways as:

  • insomnia
  • exhaustion / low energy
  • poor memory
  • pessimistic and negative attitude
  • inaction / lost opportunities
  • guilt, anxiety and depression
  • stomach issues
  • tension and stress
  • lack of or low self confidence
  • addiction or addictive behaviour
  • impaired problem solving
  • distortion of information leading to inaccurate perceptions

Overthinking is something which typically happens as we get older.  Young children don’t overthink matters, in fact as parents we spend a lot of time trying to teach them to do so.  Young children hold the world in wonder and they are often in the moment, be-ing.

As our children enter school their beautiful, curious, child-like brain becomes jam packed with knowledge and information.   Sir Kenneth Robinson, an international adviser on education, says “we educate people out of their creativity”.

He suggests that not only do we educate our children with knowledge, they also learn the stigmatisation of failure, the linear goal of getting a job done and the fear of being wrong.  Thus their uninhibited creativity becomes restricted.

This fear of failure and/or being “wrong” in general contributes to the reason some people overthink.  Another contribution is the amount of information we have at hand which means we are bombarded with choices.

Whilst it is important to understand what options we have, particularly when making decisions, too much choice can be overwhelming.  Our decision-making process is hindered and we can become enervated and debilitated.

If you are an overthinker, please be easy on yourself.  Apparently the brain is wired in such a way that overthinking is a natural tendency.  Psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema explains “the organization of our brains sets us up for over-thinking”.  This is because our memories and thoughts are not compartmentalised, rather they are interwoven in intricate networks of associations.

Nolen-Hoeksema says “When you are in a bad mood of some type—depressed, anxious, just altogether upset—your bad mood tends to trigger a cascade of thoughts associated with your mood. These thoughts may have nothing to do with the incident that put you into a bad mood in the first place”

Furthermore, when a person is feeling negative they are more likely to focus on negative matters as well as create negative connections, which may not actually exist.  Like any habit, the more a person does this and engages in overthinking, the more likely they will do so in the future.

Mark Nepo said “No amount of thinking is going to stop you from thinking” so in order to break the overthinking habit you need to consider actions which aren’t engaging your thought processes.   You also want to consider actions which will create the positive neural pathways which allow you to access your “sensible” brain; the neocortex.  Actions such as:

  1.  Breathing.  Fear + Oxygen = Excitement
  2.  Meditate regularly (and at least several times per week)
  3.  Instead of talking it over, try writing!  Writing gives us a different perspective
  4.  Practice mindfulness; be-ing in the present moment
  5.  Trust in yourself to handle whatever happens as well as trust in the Universe to only do what is best for you
  6.  Exercise; get moving!
  7.  Thoughts create reality; what are your thoughts creating?
  8.  Get creative; try colouring in, drawing, painting and/or pottery
  9.  Build your spontaneity muscle; it builds your capacity to cope with the unknown
  10.   Know that a choice is just a choice; if your choice doesn’t work out you simply just make another choice
  11.  Feel where in your body your overthinking is affecting you most.  Speak to that part of you and ask what it needs.  Then bring in “sun” vibration ; vitality, illumination, power, energising, happiness and increase will.  Let the sun energy soak into your mind and then into that area releasing what you’ve been thinking about
  12.  STOP IT!  Make a conscious choice not to engage in over thinking.

 

There isn’t a switch which we can access to stop overthinking, however it is a pattern or habit which with a little effort you can change.

If after reading this you feel you need additional support with overthinking then consider kinesiology as an option.  You can find more information on our website.

 

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Forgiveness

Forgiveness – its not an art, its a necessity

I understand first hand how challenging it can be to practice forgiveness.  Many years ago I found myself in the Family Court system.  Being in the “system” for approximately 4 1/2 years, and over $150,000 later, it was a constant test of my resilience as well as my ability to forgive.

I’ve been told that I am fair and honest in how I present what happened during that time and that whilst I can easily justify self-righteous anger, blame, and resentment, I came to realise that such a position only kept me connected to, and as a victim, of the other party.

In choosing to let go of destructive emotions such as anger, blame and resentment you free yourself from being chained to your “perpetrator”.  Forgiveness is the ultimate act of love; not for the other person yet for yourself.  When you free yourself, you can genuinely move forward in your life.

Anger, blame and resentment can be destructive emotions.  These strong emotions trigger the body’s fight, flight or freeze response, which in turn activates the adrenal gland hormones of cortisol and adrenaline.   Short term your body is designed to cope with these hormones, however longer term such hormones can hamper almost every bodily system and process.

Forgiveness cultivates love, peace, compassion; it is one of the best forms of self care and nurturing that you can do.  These productive emotions generate oxytocin in the body which is known as the comfort and trust hormone.  It counteracts cortisol.  Thus love, peace and compassion have both mentally and physical benefits.

Forgiveness does not mean you deny, excuse, condone or forget the seriousness you hold over the offence of what happened or the behaviour of the other person.   What it does mean is that you make a conscious and deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or anger despite whether the person (or people) deserve your forgiveness.

Rarely will forgiveness happen overnight, it is a process.  Brene Brown states “In order for forgiveness to happen, something has to die. Forgiveness is so difficult for this reason, because it involves death and grief. The death, or ending, that forgiveness necessitates, comes in many shapes and forms. We may need to bury our expectations , or maybe our dreams about something. But whatever it is, it has to die. It has to be grieved. Forgiveness is not forgetting or walking away from accountability, or condoning a hurtful act. It is the process of taking back and healing our lives, so that we can truly live. So the question then becomes: What has to end or die so that we can experience a rebirth in our relationships?”   So for this process to happen you have to be willing to accept the ending of something or someone as you knew it.

In my situation I had to let go of the person as I knew him and with whom I had fallen in love with.  I also had to release the person I had become to get through that period in my life.  It was was imperative that I accept that life as I had known it would never be the same – not that that was necessarily a bad thing.

When we consider forgiveness from this perspective it becomes a process likened to the grief cycle.  Which means in order to get to forgiveness we will go through the various stages of grief which is: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Five stages of grief – Elisabeth Kübler Ross

EKR stage Interpretation
1 – Denial Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, relating to the situation concerned.   Typically it is  a defence mechanism and as is a legitimate part of the process.  For some, they will become stuck in this stage particularly when dealing with a devastating or traumatic change.  Noting usually such a change which cannot be avoided indefinitely.
2 – Anger

 

Anger often manifests in various ways.  People may become angry with themselves, and/or with others, and/or with “God”.
3 – Bargaining

 

Bargaining is a way to avoid the cause of grief.  Some people will attempt to bargain or seek a compromise with “God” and/or another person.  Such as “if you do <x> then I’ll do <x>”
4 – Depression This stage is a step towards acceptance yet with emotional attachment. It can be the range of emotions from sadness and regret to fear and uncertainty.  The person recognises the mortality of the situation and has begun to accept the reality of what is.
5 – Acceptance In this stage the person has realised that they will be ok.  The person tends to have a more calm and retrospective view.  They typically will have stabilised their emotions to some level embraced what now is.

When we process grief we need to embrace an essence of vulnerability.  Brene Brown states: “Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.”

Steps to Forgiveness  

As the title of this article states, forgiveness is not an art as so many people put it.  It really is a necessity for you to live an empowered life and to live in the present moment.

Consider one or all of the following methods for  you to let go.

Honour how you feel

Your emotions exist for a reason and have a role to play, so honouring how you feel is important.  Its OK to feel sad, angry, hurt, etc, noting there is a fine balance between acknowledging how you feel and being engulfed by your emotions (particularly the negative emotions).

Once you’ve acknowledged how  you feel then consider what are these emotions endeavouring to tell you, what is it that you need for that emotion to discontinue.

Take responsibility

By being upset over what someone else has done is shifting the responsibility off yourself and placing you in the mode of blame.  There are two sides to the equation and when you sit on the blame side of the equation you are being a victim.

By taking responsibility you acknowledge how you contributed to the situation and the part you had to play in what occurred.  You then become empowered.

Contemplate the benefits

As the Yin / Yang symbol reminds us, duality exists in everything.  Including the situation around which you need to find forgiveness.  What this means is that it is not all “negative or bad” and as much as there will be drawbacks to what happened, there will also be benefits.

So consider what are the benefits of what happened?  How was it advantageous?  For you and perhaps for another?  Where can you find blessings (or possible blessings) of the situation?

Cultivate empathy

There is a saying in Eastern philosophy which translate states:  If you’re going to pursue revenge, you’d better dig two graves.  Thus it is much satisfying being kind than being right.

Empathy at its core is understanding the perspective of another; letting go of judgement; recognising the emotion of another as well as communicating it.  Empathy is about connection with others, rather than driving them away.  Whether that connection be with the person / people you are forgiving or others around you.

However empathy is also about connection with yourself and finding your inner peace, so that you can attract more of that rather than attracting more discord.

What will “die” when you forgive

Consider what will cease being once you forgive.  What is it you are going to have to stop or let go of?  At times we become attached to a “role” or way of being that we don’t know who we are without it.  It also means that once we forgive we have to take responsibility.

So think about what will “die” off once your forgive.  It could be that when you no longer hold anger so you have no justification of your dislike for another?  Perhaps you’ll have to cease the victim role who is chasing an apology from the other person.  It could be that you no longer have justification of why you are where you are in life.

Be water-like and flow

One of my most favourite Eastern philosophies is:  Bu tong ze tong, Tong ze bu tong, which translates: If there is no free flow, there is pain; if there is free flow, there is no pain.

When we allow ourselves to be like water we are fluid and adaptable to what is going on around us.  We learn from previous experiences and life flows without pain.  Water-like means we can re-shape ourselves and to move along with life.

Forgiveness in inherently a selfish act.  To forgive is primarily for your own health and well being.  The bonus is that those around you, whom you love and care about, fundamentally benefit too.

As a kinesiologist I understand that at times our body holds onto “stuff” (yep technical term) making it less than easy to let go.  If, after reading this article, you are still finding it difficult to let go then make an appointment to see us:

 http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointment-randwick/

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Fear

Stop creating what you fear

One of the things I love about being a kinesiologist is helping my clients observe their behaviours, beliefs and thoughts.  Awareness being the key to change.   Until recently I hadn’t realised just how many people are creating the very thing they fear.

Client after client, no matter what they were working on, were sabotaging themselves from achieving their goals because inadvertently they were manifesting the very thing they feared happening.  This meant instead of the “fear” maybe happening they had created it to happen.

Sam* wanted to be in a relationship, however she feared being rejected.  Now when Sam attracts Mr Right there is a 50% chance she may be rejected, however there is also a 50% chance that she may have a loving supportive relationship.    Yet before Sam could even meet Mr Right, she was already living in the pain of being rejected.

Evie* wanted to let go and be accepting, however she feared not being in control.  When we looked at this in depth because she couldn’t let go it caused her additional work.  This caused her frustration and resulted in her loosing her temper – she lost control.  So not letting go ultimately caused what she feared.

Why would people do this?

In all of the examples I have where clients were doing this, they actually weren’t aware they were doing it.  Many people are so busy in their days to days lives they don’t have (or make) the time for self awareness.  And many people when they are self aware don’t have the tools to shift or change their habit, belief and/or pattern.

Focus

What we focus on, consciously or unconsciously, is what we attract.  Even if what we are focusing on isn’t beneficial for us.

Defensive driving instructors advise that if you are in a car accident focus on where you want / need the car to go.  Do not look at the wall or tree that may be near.  The reasons for this is because your actions are more likely to support you in taking the car in the direction you are looking at.

So too in life, wherever we put our energy (which is what we think about, talk about and look at) will determine our actions and behaviours.  In all the examples I have people had been focusing on what they didn’t want to be instead of what actually could be.  As soon as they realised this it opened them up to different, and positive, possibilities.

Beliefs

Beliefs are one of the most powerful directive forces in our lives. They are generalisations that we have of ourselves and the world around us, which become the principles that we chose to live by.  Simplified, beliefs are what we consider to be true and therefore create and shape our reality – our map of the world which we consider to be real.

Beliefs are a self fulfilling prophecy.

What we believe creates an expectation of what is likely to happen, this influences our behaviours (as well as how we feel) and then creates the basis of what actions we do or don’t take. In turn the actions or activities that we are doing or not doing will be the result or outcome we achieve.

This means that if you want to change your results or your behaviours, you need be aware of your beliefs to ensure they support what you want to achieve and who you want to be.

Positive / empowering beliefs are permission slips for getting the outcomes you want.

Amygdala response

Fear is programmed in our genetic coding from the time of our prehistoric relatives.  At a time when it was vital for them to respond effectively to physical and emotional dangers.  Our Prehistoric ancestors needed fear in order to protect themselves from legitimate threats.

In this day and age whilst threats exist, we no longer need to be on such high alert.  However without the reprogramming of the amygdala we still have a safe hold on this response.

Changing the pattern

Do Fear Daily

When you do something you fear, you are in fact practising courage.  The more fearful things you do the more you train your brain not to let fear stop you.  It’s kind of like building a muscle, yet in this case you are building your courage muscle.

So each and every day do something you fear (which is safe and within reason).  Whilst it might not be the very thing you fear, it is inadvertently helping you to choose to act in the right way with any fear.

Change Focus

To change your focus you just need bring awareness to what you are placing your attention to.  This can be done by being mindful of how you are feeling.  If you aren’t feeling good then it is likely you are thinking about something which isn’t serving you.

You can also change your focus on a subject by considering:

  • What is great about the <issue> right now?
  • What are the benefit of <issue>?
  • What is going well in life?
  • What makes you happy?
  • What can I do today that will support what I need?
Change your beliefs

Commonly it is thought that our beliefs have a hold on us when in fact we have a hold on them. The first step to changing beliefs is the desire to let them go.

Negative beliefs are any thoughts, feelings you have which don’t support you in getting what you want. These are the ones you want to dispel….I’ve just seen this word in such a different way DIS-SPEL which reminded me of this quote:

Consider the topic which you want to examine your beliefs about. Write down all your thoughts about that topic. You could also bring awareness to what you say to yourself about this topic and/or what do you say to others.

When / if you have any negative feelings arising when you think about or doing this topic, consider what you were thinking to cause that feeling.

Two negatives make a positive, so now is time to negate the negative!  The way in which you do this is to disturb the references that are supporting the beliefs.  To do this question your beliefs:

  • What does that mean to you to believe that? How does it serve you?
  • Where and when did you start believing that?
  • What will happen if you change this belief?
  • What are the benefits of not solving your belief?
  • What are the consequences of continuing to believe that?
  • What examples/references do you have where the opposite is true?
  • What belief is equally if not more so true?
Train your amygdala

The pre-frontal cortex is the part of our brain which holds the key to our executive functions such as:  reasoning, problem solving, innovative, understanding and perception, impulsion,  creativity and perseverance.    Functions that help us think before we act.

The amygdala in fact is the opposite, it often cause emotive reactions.  However the pre-frontal cortex has dynamic inhibitory circuits which mute and still the amygdala.

Ways to strengthen the pre-frontal cortex are:

  • Meditation
  • Stay positive and away from negative drama
  • Play memory games
  • Learn something new such as juggling or another language
  • Get adequate sleep
  • Kinesiology!

By being aware of habit this you can start living in the now.  When you live in the now you have an improved probability to creating what you really desire!

If you would like additional support to creating what you desire then consider an appointment with one of our skilled kinesiologists.  Use this link to schedule an appointment now:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

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Self Relationship

Transforming your self relationship

A few years ago I was in a relationship that wasn’t supportive of me.   I was unsupported as to who I am, what I believe in, my wants and needs as well as what I wanted to achieve.  It wasn’t long before I realised that I was, and very quickly, loosing my own identity.

I found myself terribly unhappy and waking up with anxiety on most days; which drained my energy leaving me tired and lethargic.  I also found that I was loosing my confidence and thus not trusting my decisions or ability to make decisions.

My relationship with my-self began to diminish.  My self worth decreased as did my self love and self respect.  Resulting in me almost sabotaging the very things that were and are important to me.   Luckily I was studying kinesiology at the time and despite my conscious mind not wanting to see certain things, thank body my did and revealed the stresses and impact they were having on me.

Alchemy derives from the Greek word khemeia which means “art of transmuting metals.”  The Alchemist’s vocation was mainly two things:  1. transforming base metals into gold; and 2. seeking the elixir of life.  Such an elixir would give everlasting life and cure sickness.

Simplified alchemy is transforming something that is dull into something precious and finding the key to a happy and long life.  Therefore Self Relationship Alchemy is transforming the how we interact with ourselves.  Treating ourselves with great love, value and precious-ness!  As well as living a happier life which most likely leads to a longer life!

For many (women in particular) the “self” relationship, being such things as self-confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-love and self-respect is often non existent.  The lack of such qualities is seemingly acceptant just as “the way they are” and it isn’t until enormous pain and unhappiness occurs that they consider transforming this.

Your relationship with yourself is reflected in ALL other areas of life.  Finances, friendships, relationships, career, environments.  What you do and don’t attract in life.  So if you are attracting people and situations that are less than you deserve and/or want, consider how the relationship with yourself is.

Ways to Alchemise your Self Relationship

  • Set boundaries:  Where are you limits of what you are willing to accept.  Be clear on what behaviours, communication and interaction is acceptable for you to receive from others.
  • Be Courageous:   Once you know what you are and aren’t willing to accept them you need to be brave and speak up.  Let others know that what they are doing isn’t OK and that you need it to change.
  • Loving Activities:   Do more of the things you love doing.  Those things perhaps you haven’t done for while and those activities that make you happy when doing them.
  • Attention Placement:  What are you focusing on?  It is empowering or dis-empowering?  What “stories” are you telling yourself which are stemming from a perception rather than fact?
  • Build confidence “muscle”:  Confidence is like building a muscle, it takes time and repetitive activities.  So start small and let it build!
  • Stop loathing activities:  Do less of the things you dislike doing.  Better still outsource them or just stop doing them!
  • Inspiringly Align:  Read quotes, books, insights anything that lifts up your spirit and transforms your day.
  • Resonate Essences:  Find the right essence/s for you and start taking them.  I’ve found them to tranformative!
  • Treat yourself as you treat others:  Often we treat others better than ourselves, so start interacting with yourself as if you were another.  Actually treat yourself better than that!
  • See your Kinesiologist:  OK, this one is a bit cheeky!  However in my practice I have been able to help my clients uncover the patterns and blockages that impede them from alchemising their “self” relationship.
    More importantly I have given my clients tools and techniques to clear them clear such blockages so that they are empowered having self confidence, love, respect, worth and self belief.

 

Know you are not everyone’s cup of tea and that there will be people who won’t like you, who won’t agree with who you are or with what you do.  In my experience, in most cases, this happens when that person is projecting their own “stuff” rather than owning it.

Whatever the case is, the stronger you are within yourself, the more you know who you are, love and accept all aspects of who you are …. what others think simply won’t matter.

Also the more that you invest into your “self” relationship you will find that your external world will reflect this and that  you will attract more of what you deserve and desire.

We have both face to face and skype sessions available.  If you are interested in scheduling a session with us please click on this link:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

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Visibility

Visibility: Emerging from the Shadows

A little over two years ago I left a less than healthy relationship (every girl usually has at least one!).  A relationship that had sucked me dry of confidence, self belief and worth. One which left me wanting to decrease my visibility in the world, and more specifically to men, so I unconsciously decided to put on weight.

My weight gain was a way to hide myself because it seemed “safe” however it was also an indication that I there were underlining aspects to address.  It also became more evident that as I started to build my business not only was I hiding myself away from men, I was also hiding myself away from women – the very people I wanted to help.

Weight gain is one way to do in-visibility, another is to hide behind images other than your own; being angry; being despondent and/or failing to socialise.

Visibility; without it you won’t get the relationship you want, the job you desire or clients and thus finances you require for your business to succeed.  In fact your success in any endeavour will be moderate unless you allow yourself to be seen.

Visibility requires courage, as Benjamin Mee said “all you need is 20secs…”.  When you have such courage and give yourself permission to be visible you now show up in life.  Showing up means you remove the masquerade to be vulnerable and allow transparency.

Such transparency results in you being a participator rather than a spectator.  You make a choice to be honest, to be authentic which means  you have made the choice to let your true essence/s to be revealed.

Reasons we remain invisible

Rejection
Not many people like rejection, however that is only because they perceive rejection as
Visibilitynegative.  Rejection is symbolic of many positive things, such as:  the need to love who you are; a sign that you are on the wrong path; an indication that you were settling for less than you deserve or that the universe holds for you.

Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.” What Marcus Aurelius is teaching us is that when you choose not to be rejected; when you chose to see it as nothing more than an action of another then you cannot be hurt / rejected.

If fear of rejection has been an issue for you then consider time you have been rejected and in hindsight how being rejected proved to be beneficial.

Confidence
When we lack confidence we shy and back away from opportunities and impede ourselves from reaching our full potential.  When simplified confidence comes down to believing in yourself.  Having certainty about who you are and what you have to offer.  When you are secure in what you offer others and who you are then you have confidence.

Whilst there are external things you can use to lift your confidence (make up, clothes, compliments) it’s a trait that is more powerful when it comes from within you.

Does lacking confidence resonate with you?  Listen to what your inner voice is saying and politely correct it.  Find affirmations that work for you and embed them at a deep level.

Overwhelm
The person who has kept themselves unseen has most likely done this for a period of time.  Thus to remove that invisibility cloak can be very overwhelming.  Even for the person who has had the cloak partially on, it can seem easier to remain in the back ground.  However remember being in the background is holding you back.

Feeling overwhelmed is linked to various things such as:  placing high expectations on ourselves; perfection pressure; a need to control situations and/or making matters to be bigger and more complex than they are.

When having visibility is overwhelming for you, then start small.  Break it down into sizeable chunks.  Consider being visible like building a muscle; small repetitive actions will build up your resilience and you are being seen.

Ways to get visible

Visibility does not mean you have to hire a loud speaker and platform, although it would definitely be breaking some barriers if you did!  Here are some other suggestions for you which might feel much easier:

Smile
Such a simple, cost effective way to connect with people!  A sincere smile can make the difference to someone else’s day – as well as your own!

Share
Sharing is about divulging your thoughts, passions, fascinations and what you stand for.  Which can be done over a coffee, on social media, a blog or via groups and gatherings.

Sharing can be done via writing, photo’s and/or videos.  It can be done via comments, images, quotes or presentations which reflect who you are.  When we have a question, thought or idea you can count on someone else having the same or similar train of thought.  So know that anything you communicate there will be at least one person resonating with you!

What is something you can share that you’ve been hiding?  and how can you share that in a way that feels safe for you?

Go Outside
Physically and metaphysically going outside is empowering.  It is the physical aspect of consciously taking yourself out into the world and metaphysically and/or unconsciously telling Visibilitythe world you are ready to be seen!

Being outside is also a way to get grounded.  When you are grounded we are centred within your self and have a great resilience to stress.

Going outside could be going for a walk, picnic, to the beach, to a cafe to read or work, perhaps going to the shops.  It doesn’t have to be catching up with anyone specifically yet it does mean being in places where there are other people!

Where will you go today which takes you outside into the world?

Connect with people
Often when you’ve been playing the invisible game there will be friends, colleagues or associates whom you haven’t connected with for a while.   There could be other reasons for this however you choosing to cocoon yourself will have contributed.

Some of these people will fall into the category of natural attrition and you won’t have any desire to connect with them.  Others you will feel enthusiastic about re-connecting and the ones you are meant to reconnect with will be genuinely happy to hear from you.

Make a list of people who you haven’t touched base with in a while.  Decide how you will make contact (phone, email, text, facebook), then make contact!

Visibility engages your soul and lights it up.  You become magnetising not just to others yet also to the universe to deliver what it is you are wanting.  Life becomes just that bit more enjoyable.

Please be aware that when you get visible you may not be everybody’s cup of tea and that is absolutely OK.  Because as per Anthropologist Robin Dunbar’s suggestion that we can only maintain a certain number of relationships, so we might as well make sure they are relationships that count!

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Healthy Relationships

How to determine healthy relationships

It takes courage to stop the merry-go-round and honestly analyse our relationships.  Those close interactions with family, friends, colleagues and our partner (boyfriend, girlfriend, wife and/or husband).  And if you find yourself reading this it is likely that you are questioning the health of one or more of those relationships.

At times it seems as plain as day that the relationship is unhealthy.   However there is a difference between unhealthy interactions and unhealthy connections.  So if you believe your relationship can be saved, if you hold out hope that things will improve, here is a method for  genuinely determining that.

The old adage “it takes two to tango” definitely applies to relationships.  Both parties participate in the dynamic, thus there cannot be any blame gaming.  In order to preserve themselves, one or both of the due will apportion blame to the other party.  Making the other person “wrong” so that they can feel “right” about their own behaviour.

The first step in determining the health of your relationship is to take ownership for how you are specifically contributing to the current dynamic.  Now that doesn’t mean that you behaviour is necessarily negative, however what it does mean is that whatever you are or aren’t doing lends to allowing the other’s behaviour.

An common example of how people contribute is by being the the “passive” person in the duo.  They often participate by not speaking up and not reinforcing their boundaries.  Check out our post regarding boundaries: http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/?s=boundaries

Stipulating our boundaries is a way for a person to express what is right (and wrong) for them; what they are willing and NOT willing to accept.  Such boundaries often include behaviours from your partner which are and aren’t ok for you.

This may be your contribution to the dynamic and if so take time to consider what your boundaries are.  If not, then how are you specifically contributing?

Another common theme I have found with people who are in unhealthy relationships is that they often put the other person first and before their own needs.  They give so much that they find themselves being drained and often to the point where they are depleted.

In some cases this giving soul feels obligated to giving in order to keep the relationship.  They often have self sacrificed to the point that they have lost their identity.  Because their needs are not being met in the relationship by their partner or by them self.

So the second step in this process is to determine the equality of the give/take scenario in your relationship.  How much do you give in your relationship OR how much do you take? Is it even or is there an imbalance in this equation.  Also what part of  your identity have you given up to keep the relationship?  What part of your soul needs to be reclaimed?

In his book, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, John Gray advises there are six needs that men and women need to be fulfilled in order to feel loved.  When our needs are not being met we don’t feel loved AND we as our cup is nRelationshipsow filled, we are not able to love to our full capacity.

The third aspect of this process is now to determine which of your needs are not being met.

Also which of your partner’s needs could you be mindful of meeting?  If a woman in a heterosexual relationship, could you genuinely admire your partner more?  Could you tell him what he does that you appreciate?

Once you have gotten clarity about your relationship in that you:

  • understand your contribution to your relationship’s current status
  • have clarified what your boundaries are and any behaviours that are not acceptable to you in a relationship
  • are clear on the amount of give/take that is happening
  • know which of your needs are not being met and which ones you are not meeting

you’re now in a position to make the changes you need in order for it to be healthy.  So one thing to be aware of….

When the dynamic of a person and a relationship changes you may find the other party doesn’t like these changes.  You may find that they impede the changes by refusing to participate or behaving in such a way that keeps the status quo.

This is usually because they feel safe with you playing the role that you’ve been playing.  Most likely the way things have been makes them feel important and good about themselves.  Communication plays such an important part at this stage.  Explaining how and why things need to change, the benefits to them as well as yourself.

In the instance this is a healthy relationship your other party will understand and they will be willing to work with you to make the changes.  It doesn’t necessarily mean things will go smoothly however they will be willing to try.

On the other hand if this is an unhealthy relationship you will find the changes you desire obstructed and they will show restraint.  Now this doesn’t mean you “exit right”, what it does mean that you need to help your other party understand that you are serious about the changes and the consequences of such changes not happening.

If you go to this step, of stipulating consequences you MUST ensure you follow through.  It takes courage to step up and it takes even more courage to follow through.  However remember you would have given them a fair opportunity to change.  You would have explained the importance to you of the reasons this change is important.

In the event you don’t follow through then it adds more dysfunction to the relationship.  As in the fable “The boy who cried wolf”, the other party won’t believe you even when you have been pushed past your limit.

Relationships are about growth; either people grow together or they grow apart.  If your current friend, partner, work colleague is not willing to grow with you and support you in your growth then know there is someone else out there for you who will.

When you are no longer willing to accept dysfunction and dramatic relationships you raise your self love and respect.   You raise our vibration to let the universe know the type of relationship you are willing to accept.  When you trust your self and in the Universe you will attract that person who is on the same level as you.

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