Tag Archives: Grief

Wounds

Grieving – How time does not heal wounds

Grief is an emotion which is not only attributed to someone dying.  In fact it is associated with any change and adjustment, particularly those of a major and/or emotional nature.

When a person is experiencing grief typically those around them (friends, family, associates) are unsure of how to brooch the topic, uncertain of what to say, or what do.   One statement which is typically used is that “time heals all wounds”.

However after working with many clients and seeing close friends experience grief I disagree with this popular adage.  To believe that time does not heal your wounds.  Rose Kennedy was quoted:  “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

Molecules of Emotion

Dr Candace Pert PhD, neuropharmacologist, stated:   “A feeling sparked in our mind-or body-will translate as a peptide being released somewhere.  [Organs, tissues, skin, muscle and endocrine glands],  they all have peptide receptors on them and can access and store emotional information. This means the emotional memory is stored in many places in the body, not just or even primarily, in the brain. You can access emotional memory anywhere in the peptide/receptor network, in any number of ways. I think unexpressed emotions are literally lodged in the body.  The real true emotions that need to be expressed are in the body, trying to move up and be expressed and thereby integrated, made whole, and healed.”

Time can either do one of two things;

  1. push the painful emotions and memories down to keep them at bay so they are not fresh in your conscious mind; or
  2. gives you the opportunity to discover techniques which makes it easier to navigate your wounds, grief and pain.

Which means those who are electing for option 1 (above) will simply store the emotions, replaying and duplicating their grief within the coding of their cells.   Such information /  wounding festers waiting for the “right” opportunity to bubble to the surface, which typically is at an inopportune moment.

Ultimately allowing time to heal the wound is a dis-empowering and unhealthy option.  The emotions need to be expressed in order to be released.  In having awareness of what the emotion is, we can name the emotion and therefore explore the emotion.  This is how we move forward.

Navigating Grief

There are various techniques (see below) which can help a person to navigate grief.  Yet the first step is understanding the stages of grief.  Through her extensive research Elizabeth Kúbler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist and pioneer in near-death studies,  determined the Five Stages of Grief, which are:

Denial

Denial is a conscious or unconscious to not being willing to accept the situation where the person can isolate themselves due to their refusal of the situation.  It can be due to their disbelief that the situation is happening and tends to be a defence mechanism which is masking the person’s shock of the situation.

Anger

A person will use anger as an emotion to deflect from their vulnerability of the situation and it can manifest in various ways.  They can be angry at themselves, at those close to them or those who were involved in the situation.  Endeavouring to be non-judgement with those in this stage of grief and remaining detached can assist both, all, parties.

Bargaining

This is where the person yearns for what has been lost and is categorised by the “if only” or “what if” statements. It’s where we want the situation to return to what we knew it to be, to be able to go back in time and do something different so a positive outcome happens.  Guilt is often an emotion experienced in this stage, as the person thinks of what they could have done and feel guilty for not having done it.

Depression

Here the person is preparing to bid farewell and is an indicator that the person has begun to accept the reality of the situation.  It can be described as acceptance with emotional attachment and it is natural for the person to experience feelings of sadness and regret, fear and uncertainty.

Acceptance

Usually this stage is marked by a calmness and acknowledgement of the situation, recognising that this is their reality and thus now living with the permanence of the change.  The person has re-adjusted to life as they now know it and are allowing themselves to make new connections and to enjoy life again.

Grief is a very personal thing and everyone grieves differently.  The stages do not necessary occur in a specific order, nor is there a time limit or potency set for each stage.  Also it is possible for a person to experience a stage more than once.

Tools for navigation grief

Kinesiology

Being a kinesiologist, I think it natural for this to be my number one suggestion for moving through grief.  The main reason being because it’s NOT a one size fits all solution.  Rather a kinesiology session is personalised to the individual as a kinesiologist uses the client’s own innate wisdom as to what is needed to shift and move through their grief.

Via muscle testing, a kinesiologist seeks the underlying emotion which is causing the imbalance or blockage of energy flow.  Therefore sometimes it actually isn’t the emotion that you logically think it is.  As mentioned previously when you can name the emotion (correctly)  you are able to explore and process through it.

More information can be found about kinesiology via:  What is Kinesiology?

Write & Burn

Scientific evidence shows that when a person writes they are accessing both aspects of their brain.  The physical act of writing accesses our analytical and rational left brain as well as engages our creative, intuitive, feeling right brain.

By engaging both hemispheres we increase our innovation, meaning we are able to transform and transcend situations.   James Pennebaker, a professor at the University of Texas undertook over forty years of research as to how journalling helped the individual to process significant emotional experiences.  His researched demonstrated that by spending 20 minutes per day journalling participants experienced significant improvements physically and mentally.

Unlike journalling, the concept of writing and burning is that whatever you are about to write you will not be keeping.  What I like about this is that when we know we aren’t going to keep it , and thus no one will ever see what we have written, we tend to get more honest on the page.

In addition to this the act of burning the page/s is symbolic and ritualistic.  It takes the written page and transforms it into ash, something the earth can re-cycle for a positive purpose.

Make time for Silence

Research shows that silence has many positive benefits.  Silence can be meditation however is not limited to that.  Silence can simply be spending time on your own without distractions.

Benefits of silence is:

It helps the hippocampus to grow new brain cells.  The hippocampus is an important part of the Lymbic system and is involved in the formation, organisation and storage of memories.  It is also involved with learning and the formation of emotions.

Silence works to balance our left and right brains, which results in whole brain synchronisation.  Thus neither our emotions or logic overwhelm the other.  This assists the brain in the sorting of information, enabling us to gather and process information.

The positive impact to important body and brain chemicals.  Such as  Melatonin; known as the “sleep molecule”.  It is known to is known to inhibit cancer, strengthen the immune system and slow down the ageing process.

Serotonin; known as the  “happy” neurotransmitter because it has a profound impact on our moods.  It is also thought to help regulate mood and social behaviour, appetite and digestion, sleep, memory, and sexual desire and function.

GABA;  is known as the “calm chemical” as it helps to control fear and anxiety.  It sends chemical messages throughout the brain and the nervous system and plays an important role in behaviour, perception, awareness, comprehension as well as how the body response to stress.

DHEA;  which is known as the “longevity molecule” as it counteracts cortisol.   It also helps lower depression, sadness and irritability.  It helps increase our ability to deal with stress and reduces worrying.  It also helps increase motivation and energy levels.

Endorphins;  the “natural high” hormone.  As they interact with the opiate receptors in the brain to reduce our perception of pain, similar to how morphine and codeine work.

Growth Hormone which sustains our tissues and organs, helping keeping them “youthful”.

Cortisol, which is one of the major stress hormones, is reduced.  Too much can wears down the body (and brain).  Destroying healthy muscle and bone, blocking the creation of good hormones.  It can create anxiety, depression, increased blood pressure, brain fog, insomnia and inflammation.

 

If after trying these techniques you are still struggling with processing through your grief then consider scheduling an appointment for kinesiology.  You can book an appointment with us via:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

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heartbreak

Moving on from heartbreak

In my 20’s my friends would laugh at my comical stories regarding my love life and trust me there was a few!  However there were a few which weren’t so comical, the hurt went a lot deeper which even I couldn’t laugh about.

Heartbreak can be such a difficult thing to move through and isn’t anything I would wish upon anybody.  It can be debilitating.  I recall not being able to eat, having that pit in the bottom of my stomach, not being able to focus on anything else other that “him” and the crying….I just couldn’t stop crying.  Everything felt hopeless and it felt like it would never end.

However it did and after going through the process a few times I came to understand there were things that I could do to help move myself through the grieving process!

When we enter into a relationship the bonding with that person happens on many levels other than just the physical.  We also bond with them on a spiritual level, an emotional level and on a biochemical level.  So when we physically break up with someone those others levels are often left unresolved and thus we are still connected to them.  This is one of the reasons that we find it difficult to let them go!

Vibrational Mis-match

Relationships break up because there is a vibrational mis-match.  What that means is our energy which is a result of our thoughts, beliefs, actions is not compatible or in harmony with another.  So not everyone vibrates at our level and nor do we at theirs.

If there is an energy mis-match then the bond between the two people is unstable energy. Unstable energy requires additional energy in order to try to keep it stable.

Usually there is one party who will be giving this additional energy and will do so until they are drained and unable to give any more.  However, as in science without constant energy being given to maintain this unstable energy it will decay.

Action:  Consider the mis-match of the relationship, in what ways were you and are you not compatible.  Who was the person who put in the additional energy to try to keep the bond working?  How was it draining to you?  to them?

Relationship Amensia

When we break up with someone it is very easy to fall into the mind trap of forgetting all the things that were making us unhappy in the relationship.  To only remember the good things that happened, the fun times as well as the positive traits the person has.

We get relationship amnesia which blocks the “bad” memories; the things we didn’t like about the person or what they did.  The facts and truths about what went on.

Action:  Get real about the relationship.  Whilst there would have been happy times and positive traits in the other person, you need to focus on all truths.  So for you to let go and move on focus on the other aspect – the negative traits they person has as well as the things that made you feel less or detracted from you and having a healthy relationship.

Heartbreak What if’s

Even if I was the one who had done the breaking up, something that would play with my head space was the “what if”.  What if they find someone else.  It seemed that if they found someone else, I would consider this as a failure on my behalf.

The likelihood is that they will move on to someone else, just as you most likely will.  If you resonate with the “what if” one of these two concepts may help you:

  1. You have lost someone who may not have loved you, however more importantly they have lost someone who loved them.
  2. You chose to reject what this person was offering.  What they were capable of giving.  So if / when they find someone else it is because the person they attract is wiling to accept what’s on offer.

Action:  Place the value on yourself on what you have to offer, rather than on them.  Also consider the reason you are giving your power away and stop it!

Cut the energy cords

As mentioned previously when we connect with someone it is not just physically.  We also create energy cords with them via our energy centres called chakras.  Cords are typically created at the heart, solar plexus and base chakras.  They connect two people’s subtle bodies and allows for an exchange of emotional and chi energy.

A such a cord is energetic and not of physical substance, thus physical interaction and distance is irrelevant.  This means someone can have an affect on us even if they are not around or in contact with us.

Action:  Disconnect from another by either calling your spirit back and / or cutting these energetic cords.

Refer to our article:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/2016/04/30/calling-your-spirit-back/

Emotion addiction

Your emotions are a chemical response to our stimulus’ in our environment.   Our brain creates chemicals call neuropeptides which the body receives via receptors and similar to drug addictions your body becomes hooked on receiving the chemicals your emotions (good or bad) generate.

Therefore if you are in a less than healthy relationship which creates drama, your body can become hooked on the emotion that such drama creates.  So when you break up with that person and there is no more drama, you will unconsciously create drama for your “fix”.  In this instance the drama can be that you won’t let them go.

Action:  Change the way you are thinking so that you are focused on things that make you happy.  You could also create new “fixes” to positive emotions by doing things that make you happy.

Another idea is to consider what you have considered unconsciously what love is and re-define it into something that is more positive.

Nurture yourself

Above everything else when you are experiencing heartbreak it is an ideal time for self love and nurturing.  This can via eating nourishing foods and abstaining from refined sugars and carbohydrates.  Drinking plenty of water and detoxing from alcohol at least for the short term.

Make a list of the things that make you happy, that you enjoy doing them and start building these things into your routine.

Take time to journal, to let your thoughts and feelings flow out and onto the page.  Studies have show that journaling has a therapeutic effect and is a safe and cathartic way to release the person and/or event.    I am also a great believer that you don’t have to keep what you have written and if it feels right you can burn it or rip it up to really let go of it.

Meditation is another great way to calm and nurture the mind, body and soul.  Particularly guided meditations which are aimed at releasing or letting go.

Action:  Schedule in your diary time for yourself and make note of how you will spend that time.

So whilst it may seem that your world is crumbling and there is no end to this pain, if you can find just enough strength to do one or all of these suggestions they will help you to move forward.  Help you to resolve the heartbreak you are feeling and accept what has happened, enabling you to move out of this draining space and into a much happier one.

Your heartbreak has a reason and there is a powerful lesson for you to learn.  The quicker that you learn this lesson, the quicker you find yourself.  In addition to this when you establish a healthy loving relationship with yourself, the more likely and quicker you will get back on the right path to finding love outside yourself.

If you find yourself still struggling with your heartbreak you may want to consider kinesiology.  Contact us now via: http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

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The process of healing an aching heart

Our heart can ache for a myriad of reasons; a relationship or friendship breaking down, a fight with someone we care about, a choice we made or that was made for us, the death of a person, animal, situation we love or have attachment to and even changing jobs or moving house.

Heart ache, no matter what reason is essentially grief, and most (if not all) endings will result in a person undergoing the grief cycle.  Through her extensive research Elizabeth Kúbler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist and pioneer in near-death studies,  determined the Five Stages of Grief, which are:

  1. Denial
    Denial is a conscious or unconscious to not being willing to accept the situation where the person can isolate themselves due to their refusal of the situation.  It can be due to their disbelief that the situation is happening and tends to be a defence mechanism which is masking the person’s shock of the situation.
  2. Anger
    A person will use anger as an emotion to deflect from their vulnerability of the situation and it can manifest in various ways.  They can be angry at themselves, at those close to them or those who were involved in the situation.  Endeavouring to be non-judgement with those in this stage of grief and remaining detached can assist both, all, parties.
  3.  Bargaining
    This is where the person yearns for what has been lost and is categorised by the “if only” or “what if” statements. It’s where we want the situation to return to what we knew it to be, to be able to go back in time and do something different so a positive outcome happens.  Guilt is often an emotion experienced in this stage, as the person thinks of what they could have done and feel guilty for not having done it.
  4. Depression
    Here the person is preparing to bid farewell and is an indicator that the person has begun to accept the reality of the situation.  It can be described as acceptance with emotional attachment and it is natural for the person to experience feelings of sadness and regret, fear and uncertainty.
  5. Acceptance
    Usually this stage is marked by a calmness and acknowledgement of the situation, recognising that this is their reality and thus now living with the permanence of the change.  The person has re-adjusted to life as they now know it and are allowing themselves to make new connections and to enjoy life again.

Grief is a very personal thing and everyone grieves differently.  The stages do not necessary occur in a specific order, nor is there a time limit or potency set for each stage.  Also it is possible for a person to experience a stage more than once.

An important factor in healing from loss is accepting or finding support from others, whether that support be from friends, family, groups, a healer or therapist, and knowing that support comes in various forms such as listening, reassurance or practical assistance.

Yet the key to moving towards acceptance is for the person to honour how they feel rather than resisting or denying their emotions, as resistance only tends to prolong the healing process.

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