Tag Archives: Grief

Flattening the emotional curve

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Right now there is so much discussion, and guidelines, on how to flatten the curve. It is just as important that we give the same consideration to flattening the emotional curve.

One of the main reasons it is important to flatten the emotion curve is due to the impact our emotions have on our health.  Neuroscientist Candace Pert explains in her book, Molecules of Emotion, “As our feelings change, this mixture of peptides travels throughout your body and your brain. And they’re literally changing the chemistry of every cell in your body.”

Our cells are fundamental building blocks of our physical being.  It is at this level where our health and well-being is determined.    It is said that 95% of dis-ease is stress related. If our cells are flooded with negativity,  negative chemistry will result. Impacting your cells from performing optimally.

As described by Hockenbury & Hockenbury, “An emotion is a complex psychological state that involves three distinct components: a subjective experience, a physiological response, and a behavioural or expressive response.”  

This means what you are fundamentally in charge of your emotional curve. What you are feeling is right for you. Based on what you have decided something to mean for you. Now I’m not saying that what you are thinking is necessarily correct, your perception will be your reality.

Most people deny how they are feeling, especially when it is typically considered to be negative. Yet when you deny, repress or do not allow an emotion you create a neurological block. A block not only to that negative emotion yet also to the equally opposite positive one.

Typically considered negative emotions, used correctly are healthy, as long as you don’t allow them to fester and spiral into them. There is a big difference in acknowledging how you are feeling and spiralling into that feeling.

Dissolving emotions

First step in flattening the emotional curve is to acknowledging how you feel and give yourself permission to feel that way. For example it is okay to be angry as long as you don’t spiral down (or out of control) with your anger

The next step is to endeavour to understand the reason you are feeling that way. I’m a great believer in not needing the know the why in order to heal; however it can assist. So if you can’t work it out, that too is okay.

Then you need to ask yourself what is it you need to dissolve the negative emotion (or heighten a positive one). Making sure you following through on doing whatever it is you need.

Other tools to help flatten the emotional curve are:

Meditation

Meditation is the act of contemplation, reflection and/or prayer where you focus your mind with the intention of slowing down that thoughts will rise and choosing to not engage with these thoughts.  

It is the process of be-ing; in that exact moment in time, free of busyness and distractions, not in the past and not in future, just present moment.

Like any new skill meditation can take time to master. So be compassionate with yourself when you start – it may you take you a few times before you are able to stop engaging with your thoughts.

To support your meditation process, try giving yourself another focus, such as your breath or music. A great breathing method for getting in to meditation is the 4-7-8 method. Breathe in for four, hold for seven and breathe out for eight. It helps relax you by shifting your from Sympathetic Nervous system (fight / flight response) to the Parasympathetic Nervous system (calm/composed state).

Another favourite suggestion for beginners is to light a candle and place your focus on the flame. Closing your eyes and then bringing the image of the flame into your mind. When your mind starts to wander open your eyes and focus on the physical flame, then closing your eyes again getting that image of the flame back in your minds eye. Continue doing so for the duration of the meditation.

Also start small…as in 5 or 10 minutes. Some is better than none.

Thymus Tapping

In Kinesiology we use thymus tapping to overall increase your energy levels as well as help energetically increase your capacity and ability to cope.  In addition it is believed to energetically increase your immune system.

To do this tap on the centre of your chest where your sternum is and at the same time tap on the side of your body in alignment with where the crease of your arm naturally falls. Do this for approx. 30 seconds on one side and then 30 seconds on the other. 

Focus of Concern / Focus of Influence

Stephen Covey in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People refers to the Circle of Influence v’s Circle of Concern.  Essentially it is about where you are placing your focus.  Are you focused on what is concerning you and getting bogged down by those concerns or are you focused on what action/s you can take to address what concerns you.

Focus of influence is about being empowered and proactive; to help you realise you have more power over things than you think.

Goals

Humans are teleological, which means we have a natural, inbuilt goal seeking drive.  If we are not out seeking our own goals we tend to help and support others to seek theirs. 

So having a goal, even if for the hour or day, sets your focus and intention on achieving something positive for yourself.

Journalling

James Pennebaker, a professor at the University of Texas undertook over forty years of research as to how journalling helped the individual to process significant emotional experiences.  His researched demonstrated that by spending 20 minutes per day journalling participants experienced significant improvements physically and mentally.

They indicated they were happier, more cheerful and hopeful and calmer.  Months after the journalling sessions their blood pressure had lowered, immune function impressed and overall felt healthier.   They also indicated their relationships had improved, their memory was better and were having more successes at work.

Journalling / writing allows us to step out from the problem and see it from another perspective.  Thus creating distance which can bring perspective about a situation.

Vitamin B & Iron

A scientific study from Japan found there is a significant correlation between panic/anxiety attacks and low levels of vitamin B6 and iron.

Serotonin, your body’s natural mood stabiliser and “happiness chemical”. It is synthesised in the body from the amino acid, tryptophan. For the synthesis of serotonin, vitamin B6 (Vit B6) and iron play important co-factors.

Thus increasing foods that are a source of tryptophan, Iron and Vitamin B could help improve your mindset. Foods that are a source of tryptophan are pumpkin seeds, turkey, grapefruit, tune, eggs, chia seeds, mozzarella sesame seeds and pistachios. Foods rich in Iron are spinach, red meat, lentils, cooked oysters, dark chocolate and white beans. Foods rich in Vitamin B6 are pork, turkey, fish, eggs, potato and bananas.

Protection

Just as you protect your physical body, it is important that we also protect and safeguard your energy fields in order to keep your energy clear of others energy and/or negative influences.

Energy which is not your own, especially when it is negative energy, can influence you resulting in stress, imbalance, mood swings, tiredness, lack of confidence, illness.  Such energy can actually depletes your own energy leaving you without the vitality you need for general living.

Daily we interact with EMF’s – electromagnetic fields which we can’t see yet are received with us.  Same too with energy.  When you interact with people, or even when passing by strangers,  your energy field connects or interacts with their energy field. This is why sometimes certain people can make you feel “off”.

Some of my favourite ways to protect my energy is essential oils such as Lavender or Frankincense, I also love the Resonate Essences Protection oil and I tend to use black tourmaline crystals to safeguard my energy fields.

If you found this helpful, be sure to head over to website for other articles full of tips and guidance.

Also if, after trying these techniques, you are still struggling with processing through your emotions then consider scheduling an appointment for kinesiology.  You can book an appointment with me via:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

Wounds

Grieving – How time does not heal wounds

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Grief is an emotion which is not only attributed to someone dying.  In fact it is associated with any change and adjustment, particularly those of a major and/or emotional nature.

When a person is experiencing grief typically those around them (friends, family, associates) are unsure of how to brooch the topic, uncertain of what to say, or what do.   One statement which is typically used is that “time heals all wounds”.

However after working with many clients and seeing close friends experience grief I disagree with this popular adage.  To believe that time does not heal your wounds.  Rose Kennedy was quoted:  “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.”

Molecules of Emotion

Dr Candace Pert PhD, neuropharmacologist, stated:   “A feeling sparked in our mind-or body-will translate as a peptide being released somewhere.  [Organs, tissues, skin, muscle and endocrine glands],  they all have peptide receptors on them and can access and store emotional information. This means the emotional memory is stored in many places in the body, not just or even primarily, in the brain. You can access emotional memory anywhere in the peptide/receptor network, in any number of ways. I think unexpressed emotions are literally lodged in the body.  The real true emotions that need to be expressed are in the body, trying to move up and be expressed and thereby integrated, made whole, and healed.”

Time can either do one of two things;

  1. push the painful emotions and memories down to keep them at bay so they are not fresh in your conscious mind; or
  2. gives you the opportunity to discover techniques which makes it easier to navigate your wounds, grief and pain.

Which means those who are electing for option 1 (above) will simply store the emotions, replaying and duplicating their grief within the coding of their cells.   Such information /  wounding festers waiting for the “right” opportunity to bubble to the surface, which typically is at an inopportune moment.

Ultimately allowing time to heal the wound is a dis-empowering and unhealthy option.  The emotions need to be expressed in order to be released.  In having awareness of what the emotion is, we can name the emotion and therefore explore the emotion.  This is how we move forward.

Navigating Grief

There are various techniques (see below) which can help a person to navigate grief.  Yet the first step is understanding the stages of grief.  Through her extensive research Elizabeth Kúbler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist and pioneer in near-death studies,  determined the Five Stages of Grief, which are:

Denial

Denial is a conscious or unconscious to not being willing to accept the situation where the person can isolate themselves due to their refusal of the situation.  It can be due to their disbelief that the situation is happening and tends to be a defence mechanism which is masking the person’s shock of the situation.

Anger

A person will use anger as an emotion to deflect from their vulnerability of the situation and it can manifest in various ways.  They can be angry at themselves, at those close to them or those who were involved in the situation.  Endeavouring to be non-judgement with those in this stage of grief and remaining detached can assist both, all, parties.

Bargaining

This is where the person yearns for what has been lost and is categorised by the “if only” or “what if” statements. It’s where we want the situation to return to what we knew it to be, to be able to go back in time and do something different so a positive outcome happens.  Guilt is often an emotion experienced in this stage, as the person thinks of what they could have done and feel guilty for not having done it.

Depression

Here the person is preparing to bid farewell and is an indicator that the person has begun to accept the reality of the situation.  It can be described as acceptance with emotional attachment and it is natural for the person to experience feelings of sadness and regret, fear and uncertainty.

Acceptance

Usually this stage is marked by a calmness and acknowledgement of the situation, recognising that this is their reality and thus now living with the permanence of the change.  The person has re-adjusted to life as they now know it and are allowing themselves to make new connections and to enjoy life again.

Grief is a very personal thing and everyone grieves differently.  The stages do not necessary occur in a specific order, nor is there a time limit or potency set for each stage.  Also it is possible for a person to experience a stage more than once.

Tools for navigation grief

Kinesiology

Being a kinesiologist, I think it natural for this to be my number one suggestion for moving through grief.  The main reason being because it’s NOT a one size fits all solution.  Rather a kinesiology session is personalised to the individual as a kinesiologist uses the client’s own innate wisdom as to what is needed to shift and move through their grief.

Via muscle testing, a kinesiologist seeks the underlying emotion which is causing the imbalance or blockage of energy flow.  Therefore sometimes it actually isn’t the emotion that you logically think it is.  As mentioned previously when you can name the emotion (correctly)  you are able to explore and process through it.

More information can be found about kinesiology via:  What is Kinesiology?

Write & Burn

Scientific evidence shows that when a person writes they are accessing both aspects of their brain.  The physical act of writing accesses our analytical and rational left brain as well as engages our creative, intuitive, feeling right brain.

By engaging both hemispheres we increase our innovation, meaning we are able to transform and transcend situations.   James Pennebaker, a professor at the University of Texas undertook over forty years of research as to how journalling helped the individual to process significant emotional experiences.  His researched demonstrated that by spending 20 minutes per day journalling participants experienced significant improvements physically and mentally.

Unlike journalling, the concept of writing and burning is that whatever you are about to write you will not be keeping.  What I like about this is that when we know we aren’t going to keep it , and thus no one will ever see what we have written, we tend to get more honest on the page.

In addition to this the act of burning the page/s is symbolic and ritualistic.  It takes the written page and transforms it into ash, something the earth can re-cycle for a positive purpose.

Make time for Silence

Research shows that silence has many positive benefits.  Silence can be meditation however is not limited to that.  Silence can simply be spending time on your own without distractions.

Benefits of silence is:

It helps the hippocampus to grow new brain cells.  The hippocampus is an important part of the Lymbic system and is involved in the formation, organisation and storage of memories.  It is also involved with learning and the formation of emotions.

Silence works to balance our left and right brains, which results in whole brain synchronisation.  Thus neither our emotions or logic overwhelm the other.  This assists the brain in the sorting of information, enabling us to gather and process information.

The positive impact to important body and brain chemicals.  Such as  Melatonin; known as the “sleep molecule”.  It is known to is known to inhibit cancer, strengthen the immune system and slow down the ageing process.

Serotonin; known as the  “happy” neurotransmitter because it has a profound impact on our moods.  It is also thought to help regulate mood and social behaviour, appetite and digestion, sleep, memory, and sexual desire and function.

GABA;  is known as the “calm chemical” as it helps to control fear and anxiety.  It sends chemical messages throughout the brain and the nervous system and plays an important role in behaviour, perception, awareness, comprehension as well as how the body response to stress.

DHEA;  which is known as the “longevity molecule” as it counteracts cortisol.   It also helps lower depression, sadness and irritability.  It helps increase our ability to deal with stress and reduces worrying.  It also helps increase motivation and energy levels.

Endorphins;  the “natural high” hormone.  As they interact with the opiate receptors in the brain to reduce our perception of pain, similar to how morphine and codeine work.

Growth Hormone which sustains our tissues and organs, helping keeping them “youthful”.

Cortisol, which is one of the major stress hormones, is reduced.  Too much can wears down the body (and brain).  Destroying healthy muscle and bone, blocking the creation of good hormones.  It can create anxiety, depression, increased blood pressure, brain fog, insomnia and inflammation.

 

If after trying these techniques you are still struggling with processing through your grief then consider scheduling an appointment for kinesiology.  You can book an appointment with us via:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

heartbreak

Moving on from heartbreak

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In my 20’s my friends would laugh at my comical stories regarding my love life and trust me there was a few!  However there were a few which weren’t so comical, the hurt went a lot deeper which even I couldn’t laugh about.

Heartbreak can be such a difficult thing to move through and isn’t anything I would wish upon anybody.  It can be debilitating.  I recall not being able to eat, having that pit in the bottom of my stomach, not being able to focus on anything else other that “him” and the crying….I just couldn’t stop crying.  Everything felt hopeless and it felt like it would never end.

However it did and after going through the process a few times I came to understand there were things that I could do to help move myself through the grieving process!

When we enter into a relationship the bonding with that person happens on many levels other than just the physical.  We also bond with them on a spiritual level, an emotional level and on a biochemical level.  So when we physically break up with someone those others levels are often left unresolved and thus we are still connected to them.  This is one of the reasons that we find it difficult to let them go!

Vibrational Mis-match

Relationships break up because there is a vibrational mis-match.  What that means is our energy which is a result of our thoughts, beliefs, actions is not compatible or in harmony with another.  So not everyone vibrates at our level and nor do we at theirs.

If there is an energy mis-match then the bond between the two people is unstable energy. Unstable energy requires additional energy in order to try to keep it stable.

Usually there is one party who will be giving this additional energy and will do so until they are drained and unable to give any more.  However, as in science without constant energy being given to maintain this unstable energy it will decay.

Action:  Consider the mis-match of the relationship, in what ways were you and are you not compatible.  Who was the person who put in the additional energy to try to keep the bond working?  How was it draining to you?  to them?

Relationship Amensia

When we break up with someone it is very easy to fall into the mind trap of forgetting all the things that were making us unhappy in the relationship.  To only remember the good things that happened, the fun times as well as the positive traits the person has.

We get relationship amnesia which blocks the “bad” memories; the things we didn’t like about the person or what they did.  The facts and truths about what went on.

Action:  Get real about the relationship.  Whilst there would have been happy times and positive traits in the other person, you need to focus on all truths.  So for you to let go and move on focus on the other aspect – the negative traits they person has as well as the things that made you feel less or detracted from you and having a healthy relationship.

Heartbreak What if’s

Even if I was the one who had done the breaking up, something that would play with my head space was the “what if”.  What if they find someone else.  It seemed that if they found someone else, I would consider this as a failure on my behalf.

The likelihood is that they will move on to someone else, just as you most likely will.  If you resonate with the “what if” one of these two concepts may help you:

  1. You have lost someone who may not have loved you, however more importantly they have lost someone who loved them.
  2. You chose to reject what this person was offering.  What they were capable of giving.  So if / when they find someone else it is because the person they attract is wiling to accept what’s on offer.

Action:  Place the value on yourself on what you have to offer, rather than on them.  Also consider the reason you are giving your power away and stop it!

Cut the energy cords

As mentioned previously when we connect with someone it is not just physically.  We also create energy cords with them via our energy centres called chakras.  Cords are typically created at the heart, solar plexus and base chakras.  They connect two people’s subtle bodies and allows for an exchange of emotional and chi energy.

A such a cord is energetic and not of physical substance, thus physical interaction and distance is irrelevant.  This means someone can have an affect on us even if they are not around or in contact with us.

Action:  Disconnect from another by either calling your spirit back and / or cutting these energetic cords.

Refer to our article:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/2016/04/30/calling-your-spirit-back/

Emotion addiction

Your emotions are a chemical response to our stimulus’ in our environment.   Our brain creates chemicals call neuropeptides which the body receives via receptors and similar to drug addictions your body becomes hooked on receiving the chemicals your emotions (good or bad) generate.

Therefore if you are in a less than healthy relationship which creates drama, your body can become hooked on the emotion that such drama creates.  So when you break up with that person and there is no more drama, you will unconsciously create drama for your “fix”.  In this instance the drama can be that you won’t let them go.

Action:  Change the way you are thinking so that you are focused on things that make you happy.  You could also create new “fixes” to positive emotions by doing things that make you happy.

Another idea is to consider what you have considered unconsciously what love is and re-define it into something that is more positive.

Nurture yourself

Above everything else when you are experiencing heartbreak it is an ideal time for self love and nurturing.  This can via eating nourishing foods and abstaining from refined sugars and carbohydrates.  Drinking plenty of water and detoxing from alcohol at least for the short term.

Make a list of the things that make you happy, that you enjoy doing them and start building these things into your routine.

Take time to journal, to let your thoughts and feelings flow out and onto the page.  Studies have show that journaling has a therapeutic effect and is a safe and cathartic way to release the person and/or event.    I am also a great believer that you don’t have to keep what you have written and if it feels right you can burn it or rip it up to really let go of it.

Meditation is another great way to calm and nurture the mind, body and soul.  Particularly guided meditations which are aimed at releasing or letting go.

Action:  Schedule in your diary time for yourself and make note of how you will spend that time.

So whilst it may seem that your world is crumbling and there is no end to this pain, if you can find just enough strength to do one or all of these suggestions they will help you to move forward.  Help you to resolve the heartbreak you are feeling and accept what has happened, enabling you to move out of this draining space and into a much happier one.

Your heartbreak has a reason and there is a powerful lesson for you to learn.  The quicker that you learn this lesson, the quicker you find yourself.  In addition to this when you establish a healthy loving relationship with yourself, the more likely and quicker you will get back on the right path to finding love outside yourself.

If you find yourself still struggling with your heartbreak you may want to consider kinesiology.  Contact us now via: http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

The process of healing an aching heart

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Our heart can ache for a myriad of reasons; a relationship or friendship breaking down, a fight with someone we care about, a choice we made or that was made for us, the death of a person, animal, situation we love or have attachment to and even changing jobs or moving house.

Heart ache, no matter what reason is essentially grief, and most (if not all) endings will result in a person undergoing the grief cycle.  Through her extensive research Elizabeth Kúbler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist and pioneer in near-death studies,  determined the Five Stages of Grief, which are:

  1. Denial
    Denial is a conscious or unconscious to not being willing to accept the situation where the person can isolate themselves due to their refusal of the situation.  It can be due to their disbelief that the situation is happening and tends to be a defence mechanism which is masking the person’s shock of the situation.
  2. Anger
    A person will use anger as an emotion to deflect from their vulnerability of the situation and it can manifest in various ways.  They can be angry at themselves, at those close to them or those who were involved in the situation.  Endeavouring to be non-judgement with those in this stage of grief and remaining detached can assist both, all, parties.
  3.  Bargaining
    This is where the person yearns for what has been lost and is categorised by the “if only” or “what if” statements. It’s where we want the situation to return to what we knew it to be, to be able to go back in time and do something different so a positive outcome happens.  Guilt is often an emotion experienced in this stage, as the person thinks of what they could have done and feel guilty for not having done it.
  4. Depression
    Here the person is preparing to bid farewell and is an indicator that the person has begun to accept the reality of the situation.  It can be described as acceptance with emotional attachment and it is natural for the person to experience feelings of sadness and regret, fear and uncertainty.
  5. Acceptance
    Usually this stage is marked by a calmness and acknowledgement of the situation, recognising that this is their reality and thus now living with the permanence of the change.  The person has re-adjusted to life as they now know it and are allowing themselves to make new connections and to enjoy life again.

Grief is a very personal thing and everyone grieves differently.  The stages do not necessary occur in a specific order, nor is there a time limit or potency set for each stage.  Also it is possible for a person to experience a stage more than once.

An important factor in healing from loss is accepting or finding support from others, whether that support be from friends, family, groups, a healer or therapist, and knowing that support comes in various forms such as listening, reassurance or practical assistance.

Yet the key to moving towards acceptance is for the person to honour how they feel rather than resisting or denying their emotions, as resistance only tends to prolong the healing process.