Tag Archives: relationships

Lost self

Reclaiming your lost self

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The self relationship is the most important relationship you have.  It relates to how you treat yourself.  Your self love; self worth; self confidence, self value and self respect. It is the basis and foundation that determines how you interact with others.

So it would go without saying that it is vital to have a healthy self relationship if you are to lead a happy, fulfilled and empowered life.  As well as having healthy professional and / or personal relationships.

Many people have never been given the tools or foundation to create a healthy self relationship.  And for many who have, or are in the process of building this, can tend to easily get lost.  Which results in them loosing or letting go of their sense of self. 

Whilst this can occur in any situation it is more prevalent in romantic relationships.  And something I often hear is women (yet man can too) “I don’t know who I am, I’ve lost me”.  When we loose our self we loose the essence of what that person fell in love with.

From working with so many clients I have come to understand that whether it is in a work environment, friendship or romantic relationship that when a person has lost themselves they become unhappy in the situation and often want to make change and move on.

Are you feeling lost?

The main things that contribute to a person being or feeling lost are:

  • Not maintaining healthy boundaries;
  • Putting the others priorities and needs constantly before your own;
  • Loosing sight of your own goals;
  • Contradicting your own values and beliefs; and
  • Not keeping your own commitments to yourself
Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are simply what you are and are not willing to accept from others.  It is the threshold of what is ok, which allows you feel empowered, joyful, at peace and in alignment with your true self.

As boundaries are fundamentally what is, and isn’t, ok for us.  They will differ for each person.  Usually it is what we really need to say no to rather than saying yes.  As long as your boundaries do not purposefully hurt another, they can never be right or wrong.

Boundaries determine:

  • the degree in which we will allow someone into our personal space, physically, emotionally and spiritually;
  • the nature of treatment and behaviour that we find acceptable and appropriate;
  • what we allow or disallow;
  • whether we are giving our power and energy to another; and
  • how loving we treat ourselves and how loving we can be towards others.

They really are the most loving thing we can have and implement for ourselves and others.  Because when we don’t we ultimately become resentful of that person or place.

Priorities and Needs

Whilst it is healthy to take into the consideration of others priorities and needs, in all relationships it is important.  However when it is continually at the detriment of your own then you are fundamentally saying you are not important. 

Priorities can be your friends, clients, writing, reading, going to the beach.  The things, people and places that contribute to your happiness and what makes you YOU. 

Needs are what you require in order to live a healthy life or have a healthy relationship.  Most people accept what is on offer settling for less than what they need. 

Goals

Humans are teleological, which means we have a natural, inbuilt goal seeking drive.  If we are not out seeking our own goals we tend to help and support others to seek theirs.  Which often happens in careers and relationships. 

Of course we can support others in their goals however not to the point where we put our own aspirations and goals on the back burner.

Values and Beliefs

Your identity, who you are, the choices you make and how you distinguish your self is determined by what your values are.  Values are the elemental principles that you live by.  They epitomise what is important to you and are closely supported by your beliefs.

They can be describe by a word or short sentence such as:

  • Courage
  • Integrity
  • Making a difference
  • Abundance
  • Gaining knowledge
  • Love
  • Success

From the ages of 7-14 you are in the “Modelling” period of your life.  What this means is you will consciously or unconsciously chose a person or people to emulate and therefore take on many of that person’s values and beliefs. 

Values determine your choices, your behaviour and thus the actions you do or do not take.

When our value systems do not match with someone else you tend not to like them.  So in order to be liked you may change your values to match theirs.  However when you go against what it is you values you will create dissonance (conflict) within your self, which fundamentally makes you unhappy with your self and others.

Self Commitments

Your primary and main commitment must be to yourself first.  It is your duty and responsibility to keep promises you have made to yourself.  As well as standing by your decisions.

This is not about being selfish and it is not about being selfless.  Neither end of the scale are healthy.  What is healthy is ensuring there is a balance between both.    Because if you are not filling up your own cup first you will not have the required energy to keep yourself healthy whilst filling up others.

Primary commitment to your self means honouring who you are and who you are not.  Being your own champion by supporting yourself; advocating yourself and protecting yourself.  Much of which is done by prioritising yourself; ensuring you are meeting your needs; taking actions towards your goals and standing by your own values and beliefs. 

Yet too it is following through on the promises, tasks and arrangements you have made for yourself.  Not putting them aside because some thing of a lesser importance also needs doing.

Re-Claiming your Lost self

If you have lost yourself consider in what way specifically you have lost you.  What is it that you have stopped doing that brings you joy and makes you happy?  Perhaps re-read over the above and make notes as to how each of the five areas resonate with you. 

What are you doing or giving your energy to (or perhaps who) that doesn’t make you feel good?  Then consider what actions you need to take, what support do you need or what could you put in place to change this.

Consider, and remind yourself, who you actually are instead of who you are not. A client said “I’ve just got to accept I am insecure’.  I said “With what I observe, you are one of the most confident and secure people I know.”   Too often people have a negative sense or view of them self which is not a true perception.

From a spiritual sense reclaim your self by calling your spirit back.  Whenever we interact with some one or thing we exchange energy and we can leave fragments of our energy.  Calling your spirit back is a Native American concept to return your fragmented your energy which has been left with people, places and situations, so that you are able to be whole. 

In the times that I have found the need to call back my own spirit, I have felt a shift in my energy and a return of inner strength.  It has enabled me to let go of matters that were playing in my head and that were lowering my vibration.  It has also helped me to remember who I am and embrace it.

Calling your spirit back is a very simple process and can be done by stating out loud “I call back my spirit.  I command all fragments of my spirit left in other places, times and dimension or with other people and events to return to me right now.  As those parts of my spirit integrate in my being, they are cleansed and revitalised, invigorating and renewing my spirit as a whole”

Many people easily loose themselves, even when they know the concept.  In my observations both men and women do it; yet women tend to be better at it??!!  Raising your awareness is a great antidote for not getting lost as well as creating habits that honour yourself.

Also it is usually a pattern that has been created in childhood and reinforced over the years.  The goods news:  when you reinforce a new pattern of maintaining your self so you are unlikely to loose yourself again, in time, it just becomes the new standard.

If after trying these techniques you are still struggling with your the process to reclaiming yourself then consider kinesiology.  You can book an appointment with us via:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

Rejection

Rejection; invite and encourage it!

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You, me, everyone at some stage (and many at every stage) of their life has been rejected.  Rejection started the moment that authority figure in your life said “no” to you, which for most of us was from a very young age.

I don’t know many people who like being told “no”, a word which equates to being rejected.    Perhaps it is because of the connection made to that word.  At a young age when you are told “no” it meant not getting, or doing, what you want.  However sometimes not getting or doing what you want is a VERY good thing.  What is interesting is that being told “no” is how we beging building resilience.

Rejection is not only about not getting what you want.  Rejection is also when you dismiss yourself or another; an idea and even an emotion.   Rejection isn’t fun and it certainly doesn’t feel good; whether you are the rejector or the rejectee.

The reason rejection doesn’t feel good is because of the way it is perceived.  If you can alter your perception to see the benefits of rejection, you will realise it IS indeed a very good thing.

Benefits of rejection

Tong zhi bu tong Bu tong Zhi tong
In Oriental medicine there is a saying; “Tong zhi bu tong Bu tong zhi tong”.  Which translates to  “Where there is free flow, there is no pain, where there is pain, there is no free flow”.

If rejection is causing you pain then it is a sign you are resisting the flow of life.  A sign you are stagnating and opposing the flow of where life needs you to go and/or whom it needs you to go with.

Alternatively if you accept that the reason the rejection happened is because your life is flowing in a different direction than you thought then such pain resides or simple doesn’t exist.

So….Let go and let flow!

Love who you are – ALL parts
When you feel rejected it’s an indicator that there is a part of you that isn’t feeling loved or worthy.  Or if related to a person it can be that this person has aspects of themselves they don’t love or perhaps they aren’t feeling worthy.

Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you inferior without your consent”.  When you love who you are and that means ALL part of who you are, the good and the not so good, then you can’t be rejected.

Know that in the good there is “negative aspects” and in the bad there is “positive aspects”.  When you see both sides of the equation in the one, then you become balanced about the person and/or situation and you achieve harmony.

In Neale Donald Walsh’s story “The Little Soul” it reminds us that we are all born from the light and this beautiful light resides within us.  Connect with that beautiful light and let that light attract the situation and/or person that is right for you.

Course Correction
If you are being rejected then it means you are trying.  If you are trying then just in that alone you are being successful!  Trying also means that you are moving forward, you are taking a step forward on your life course / route.

Therefore when you are trying and you experience rejection it simple means that your planned route requires an adjustment to ensure you will reach the right destination.   This adjustment is leading you to something or someone better.

Also perhaps you were thinking to “small” and limiting yourself.  Thus rejection is the Universe’s way to remind and/or advise you to aim higher and for what you truly deserve!

What now?

It’s not that rejection won’t ever sting, however it’s how you view and utilise that rejection is what matters.  You don’t need a “why” to do that, in fact most people get so hung up on the “why” that they anchor to it and to the past.

I urge you to use any and all rejection to learn, grow and flow.  So “anchor’s away”, learn to love the person or situation for what it stood for and focus on the destination you want to arrive at!

If you still find it hard to let go of your rejection/s then book an appointment with us via:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointment/ .  Mention this article for a 10% discount.

Healthy Relationships

How to determine healthy relationships

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It takes courage to stop the merry-go-round and honestly analyse our relationships.  Those close interactions with family, friends, colleagues and our partner (boyfriend, girlfriend, wife and/or husband).  And if you find yourself reading this it is likely that you are questioning the health of one or more of those relationships.

At times it seems as plain as day that the relationship is unhealthy.   However there is a difference between unhealthy interactions and unhealthy connections.  So if you believe your relationship can be saved, if you hold out hope that things will improve, here is a method for  genuinely determining that.

The old adage “it takes two to tango” definitely applies to relationships.  Both parties participate in the dynamic, thus there cannot be any blame gaming.  In order to preserve themselves, one or both of the due will apportion blame to the other party.  Making the other person “wrong” so that they can feel “right” about their own behaviour.

The first step in determining the health of your relationship is to take ownership for how you are specifically contributing to the current dynamic.  Now that doesn’t mean that you behaviour is necessarily negative, however what it does mean is that whatever you are or aren’t doing lends to allowing the other’s behaviour.

An common example of how people contribute is by being the the “passive” person in the duo.  They often participate by not speaking up and not reinforcing their boundaries.  Check out our post regarding boundaries: http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/?s=boundaries

Stipulating our boundaries is a way for a person to express what is right (and wrong) for them; what they are willing and NOT willing to accept.  Such boundaries often include behaviours from your partner which are and aren’t ok for you.

This may be your contribution to the dynamic and if so take time to consider what your boundaries are.  If not, then how are you specifically contributing?

Another common theme I have found with people who are in unhealthy relationships is that they often put the other person first and before their own needs.  They give so much that they find themselves being drained and often to the point where they are depleted.

In some cases this giving soul feels obligated to giving in order to keep the relationship.  They often have self sacrificed to the point that they have lost their identity.  Because their needs are not being met in the relationship by their partner or by them self.

So the second step in this process is to determine the equality of the give/take scenario in your relationship.  How much do you give in your relationship OR how much do you take? Is it even or is there an imbalance in this equation.  Also what part of  your identity have you given up to keep the relationship?  What part of your soul needs to be reclaimed?

In his book, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, John Gray advises there are six needs that men and women need to be fulfilled in order to feel loved.  When our needs are not being met we don’t feel loved AND we as our cup is nRelationshipsow filled, we are not able to love to our full capacity.

The third aspect of this process is now to determine which of your needs are not being met.

Also which of your partner’s needs could you be mindful of meeting?  If a woman in a heterosexual relationship, could you genuinely admire your partner more?  Could you tell him what he does that you appreciate?

Once you have gotten clarity about your relationship in that you:

  • understand your contribution to your relationship’s current status
  • have clarified what your boundaries are and any behaviours that are not acceptable to you in a relationship
  • are clear on the amount of give/take that is happening
  • know which of your needs are not being met and which ones you are not meeting

you’re now in a position to make the changes you need in order for it to be healthy.  So one thing to be aware of….

When the dynamic of a person and a relationship changes you may find the other party doesn’t like these changes.  You may find that they impede the changes by refusing to participate or behaving in such a way that keeps the status quo.

This is usually because they feel safe with you playing the role that you’ve been playing.  Most likely the way things have been makes them feel important and good about themselves.  Communication plays such an important part at this stage.  Explaining how and why things need to change, the benefits to them as well as yourself.

In the instance this is a healthy relationship your other party will understand and they will be willing to work with you to make the changes.  It doesn’t necessarily mean things will go smoothly however they will be willing to try.

On the other hand if this is an unhealthy relationship you will find the changes you desire obstructed and they will show restraint.  Now this doesn’t mean you “exit right”, what it does mean that you need to help your other party understand that you are serious about the changes and the consequences of such changes not happening.

If you go to this step, of stipulating consequences you MUST ensure you follow through.  It takes courage to step up and it takes even more courage to follow through.  However remember you would have given them a fair opportunity to change.  You would have explained the importance to you of the reasons this change is important.

In the event you don’t follow through then it adds more dysfunction to the relationship.  As in the fable “The boy who cried wolf”, the other party won’t believe you even when you have been pushed past your limit.

Relationships are about growth; either people grow together or they grow apart.  If your current friend, partner, work colleague is not willing to grow with you and support you in your growth then know there is someone else out there for you who will.

When you are no longer willing to accept dysfunction and dramatic relationships you raise your self love and respect.   You raise our vibration to let the universe know the type of relationship you are willing to accept.  When you trust your self and in the Universe you will attract that person who is on the same level as you.

Healing from a destructive relationship

Healing from a destructive relationship

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All too often beautiful, sensitive, kind and giving souls attract disrespectful, destructive and damaging relationships.  The kind of relationship that aims to bring them down. To chip away at any positive sense of self they may have.  That  seeks to dim the radiant light of their soul and leave them in need of healing.

Whilst often this refers to a romantic relationship, it can also relate to any type of relationship – a friend, co-worker or even a family member. It has been my experience that people who attract an unhealthy and/or destructive relationship either fall into one of two categories or can be a combination of both:

Empathic
Empaths are high sensitive souls, attuned to the energies of other people, places or things. Whilst they can become overwhelmed by people, they often are considered a “people person” and tend to attract those who are in need of healing.  They may have boundaries, however the tend to be boundaries which are easily manipulated because they tend to put others first.

Whilst highly attuned and intuitive, they see the best in others.  They can see past a person’s behaviour and who the person is at a soul level and it is this trait which can find them in a destructive relationship.

Disqualified
People who disqualify themselves are those who don’t see or feel themselves worthy, usually telling themselves as such.  They are likely to be insecure and/or lack confidence and don’t value their positive attributes they do possess.  These type of people also usually lack strong boundaries or don’t have any boundaries at all.

Due to their low sense of self they unknowingly have a negative energy marker, thus attracting people who reinforce their disqualification. An energy marker can be likened to a vibrational neon sign that tells people how to treat you.

No matter what the category, the destructive person perceives the beautiful soul as being weaker and therefore easily manipulated.  This perception is to feed their innate need for superiority, power and control and funny enough their own deep insecurity.

Congruent advice for those who find themselves in such a relationship is to find a safe way to extract yourself from it.  Very rarely will destructive people change and unless they are willing to undergo the work to do so and then demonstrate they have changed, your trust and hope is misplaced.

Once you leave such a situation your healing work can begin.  Such healing may involve:

  • Tough Love
    Get yourself a pen, some paper and be prepared to write down the answers to the following questions.  Get real, get honest with yourself.

    • What are the main reasons the relationship ended?
    • What is fact about the situation? and what is fantasy?
    • What is the lesson in this for me?
    • What is the reason I am allowing myself to feel powerless?
    • What values am I nourishing?  Are they the right values?
    • What do I believe that has allowed me to accept this?
    • What do I need to change right now that will move me towards what I really want?
  • Love beings at home
    In order to attract someone who loves, respects and supports you, you need to be these things for yourself first.  Its important to love the duality that exists within, our positive aspects and our not so positive aspects.  Noting that both have benefits and drawbacks, as this is the dualism of life.
    Since we can only attract matter which vibrates at or below our own vibration, when you sincerely love who you are, your energy elevates to attract someone who can sincerely love you too.
  • Boundaries
    Define your boundaries, know absolutely where the line in the sand is as to what you are and are not willing to accept from others.  Know emphatically that if what someone is offering is anything less than what is acceptable, you are allowed to say “no thank you”.Arm yourself by preparing your responses and ways you can decline situations which you are not willing to accept, as this makes declining much easier.
  • Healing the Addiction
    As strange as it may seem some people get addicted to the drama of the situation, perhaps because it gives them attention, love and support from others, all things which they are not giving themselves.At an unconscious level we seek situations to create order and certainty, as certainty gives us validation and makes us feel safe.  So if a person has previously been treated badly they may unknowingly seek out situations which reinforce what they are use to and therefore creates “order” and validates them (even if this is validating the wrong thing).As with any addiction the first step is to acknowledge that this has been happening and then make daily awareness a part of your routine.  Review your actions of the day to determine if you have displayed drama addictive behaviour and what you could do differently in future.  Anne Wilson Schaef said “Awareness if the key.  When I know what I am doing, I have the option to Change”
  • Redefine what love is
    Our external world is reflective of our inner one.  All we have to do is look around us, the type of people or situations we attract, how others treat us to know what is going on deep within.Assess how others treat and interact with you, what does it say to you about how your define love?  Is it healthy?  Is it what you really want love to be?Now define and get very clear on what you want love to be, what does it look, feel and sound like?  The next step is to start doing those things for yourself or visualise others loving you via your new definition.
  • Transform Beliefs
    Beliefs are generalizations we have of ourselves and the world around us and therefore the principles that we chose to live by.  Beliefs are what we consider to be true and therefore create & shape our reality – our map of the world which we consider to be real.
    It is our beliefs that strongly determine what action we do or don’t take (our behaviour) as well as having an affect on how we feel.  Beliefs commence with a single thought which embeds in our subconscious which we then seek references to make it true.  Thus it is imperative to shatter negative beliefs and reinforce or create positive ones.
  • Change your focus
    One of the most common phrases I hear when a person has walked away from a destructive relationship is “What if they find someone else?”.   This question unhealthily directs your focus and reinforces the thought “I’m not good enough”.
    Reality is that they most likely will find someone else however remind yourself that you chose to reject what they were offering and not accept what they were capable of giving you.  So if they find someone else it is because the new person is willing to accept what that person is capable of giving.
    Re-phrasing the situation can help such as thinking “I may have lost someone who didn’t love me, however more importantly they lost someone who loved them”

The healing process isn’t usually an overnight fix, it is a journey of re-discovery and change.  A journey which can be at times arduous, however one which will ultimately be the most rewarding.