Tag Archives: Self Confidence

Lost self

Reclaiming your lost self

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The self relationship is the most important relationship you have.  It relates to how you treat yourself.  Your self love; self worth; self confidence, self value and self respect. It is the basis and foundation that determines how you interact with others.

So it would go without saying that it is vital to have a healthy self relationship if you are to lead a happy, fulfilled and empowered life.  As well as having healthy professional and / or personal relationships.

Many people have never been given the tools or foundation to create a healthy self relationship.  And for many who have, or are in the process of building this, can tend to easily get lost.  Which results in them loosing or letting go of their sense of self. 

Whilst this can occur in any situation it is more prevalent in romantic relationships.  And something I often hear is women (yet man can too) “I don’t know who I am, I’ve lost me”.  When we loose our self we loose the essence of what that person fell in love with.

From working with so many clients I have come to understand that whether it is in a work environment, friendship or romantic relationship that when a person has lost themselves they become unhappy in the situation and often want to make change and move on.

Are you feeling lost?

The main things that contribute to a person being or feeling lost are:

  • Not maintaining healthy boundaries;
  • Putting the others priorities and needs constantly before your own;
  • Loosing sight of your own goals;
  • Contradicting your own values and beliefs; and
  • Not keeping your own commitments to yourself
Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are simply what you are and are not willing to accept from others.  It is the threshold of what is ok, which allows you feel empowered, joyful, at peace and in alignment with your true self.

As boundaries are fundamentally what is, and isn’t, ok for us.  They will differ for each person.  Usually it is what we really need to say no to rather than saying yes.  As long as your boundaries do not purposefully hurt another, they can never be right or wrong.

Boundaries determine:

  • the degree in which we will allow someone into our personal space, physically, emotionally and spiritually;
  • the nature of treatment and behaviour that we find acceptable and appropriate;
  • what we allow or disallow;
  • whether we are giving our power and energy to another; and
  • how loving we treat ourselves and how loving we can be towards others.

They really are the most loving thing we can have and implement for ourselves and others.  Because when we don’t we ultimately become resentful of that person or place.

Priorities and Needs

Whilst it is healthy to take into the consideration of others priorities and needs, in all relationships it is important.  However when it is continually at the detriment of your own then you are fundamentally saying you are not important. 

Priorities can be your friends, clients, writing, reading, going to the beach.  The things, people and places that contribute to your happiness and what makes you YOU. 

Needs are what you require in order to live a healthy life or have a healthy relationship.  Most people accept what is on offer settling for less than what they need. 

Goals

Humans are teleological, which means we have a natural, inbuilt goal seeking drive.  If we are not out seeking our own goals we tend to help and support others to seek theirs.  Which often happens in careers and relationships. 

Of course we can support others in their goals however not to the point where we put our own aspirations and goals on the back burner.

Values and Beliefs

Your identity, who you are, the choices you make and how you distinguish your self is determined by what your values are.  Values are the elemental principles that you live by.  They epitomise what is important to you and are closely supported by your beliefs.

They can be describe by a word or short sentence such as:

  • Courage
  • Integrity
  • Making a difference
  • Abundance
  • Gaining knowledge
  • Love
  • Success

From the ages of 7-14 you are in the “Modelling” period of your life.  What this means is you will consciously or unconsciously chose a person or people to emulate and therefore take on many of that person’s values and beliefs. 

Values determine your choices, your behaviour and thus the actions you do or do not take.

When our value systems do not match with someone else you tend not to like them.  So in order to be liked you may change your values to match theirs.  However when you go against what it is you values you will create dissonance (conflict) within your self, which fundamentally makes you unhappy with your self and others.

Self Commitments

Your primary and main commitment must be to yourself first.  It is your duty and responsibility to keep promises you have made to yourself.  As well as standing by your decisions.

This is not about being selfish and it is not about being selfless.  Neither end of the scale are healthy.  What is healthy is ensuring there is a balance between both.    Because if you are not filling up your own cup first you will not have the required energy to keep yourself healthy whilst filling up others.

Primary commitment to your self means honouring who you are and who you are not.  Being your own champion by supporting yourself; advocating yourself and protecting yourself.  Much of which is done by prioritising yourself; ensuring you are meeting your needs; taking actions towards your goals and standing by your own values and beliefs. 

Yet too it is following through on the promises, tasks and arrangements you have made for yourself.  Not putting them aside because some thing of a lesser importance also needs doing.

Re-Claiming your Lost self

If you have lost yourself consider in what way specifically you have lost you.  What is it that you have stopped doing that brings you joy and makes you happy?  Perhaps re-read over the above and make notes as to how each of the five areas resonate with you. 

What are you doing or giving your energy to (or perhaps who) that doesn’t make you feel good?  Then consider what actions you need to take, what support do you need or what could you put in place to change this.

Consider, and remind yourself, who you actually are instead of who you are not. A client said “I’ve just got to accept I am insecure’.  I said “With what I observe, you are one of the most confident and secure people I know.”   Too often people have a negative sense or view of them self which is not a true perception.

From a spiritual sense reclaim your self by calling your spirit back.  Whenever we interact with some one or thing we exchange energy and we can leave fragments of our energy.  Calling your spirit back is a Native American concept to return your fragmented your energy which has been left with people, places and situations, so that you are able to be whole. 

In the times that I have found the need to call back my own spirit, I have felt a shift in my energy and a return of inner strength.  It has enabled me to let go of matters that were playing in my head and that were lowering my vibration.  It has also helped me to remember who I am and embrace it.

Calling your spirit back is a very simple process and can be done by stating out loud “I call back my spirit.  I command all fragments of my spirit left in other places, times and dimension or with other people and events to return to me right now.  As those parts of my spirit integrate in my being, they are cleansed and revitalised, invigorating and renewing my spirit as a whole”

Many people easily loose themselves, even when they know the concept.  In my observations both men and women do it; yet women tend to be better at it??!!  Raising your awareness is a great antidote for not getting lost as well as creating habits that honour yourself.

Also it is usually a pattern that has been created in childhood and reinforced over the years.  The goods news:  when you reinforce a new pattern of maintaining your self so you are unlikely to loose yourself again, in time, it just becomes the new standard.

If after trying these techniques you are still struggling with your the process to reclaiming yourself then consider kinesiology.  You can book an appointment with us via:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

Self Esteem Wave

Riding the Self-Esteem Wave

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Self-esteem is how you overall feel about your self.  It does encompass your the value you have for yourself as well as your self-worth.  Contradictory to what we have been led to believe, our self-esteem is not a stagnant way of being.  In fact most people, especially women, experience fluctuations with their self-esteem.

Consider it to fluctuate like the ocean wave.  When you are on the upside of the fluctuation, you feel confident, ready to take on the world; loving who you are, easily seeing your own worth and value.  However when on the downside of the wave you will second guess yourself, having doubt and being overly critical of your self.

Such ups and downs are normal, in fact they are considered as essential as long as you manage them effectively.  Dualities are every where around you; life in itself is with the duality of death.  In fact dualities are everywhere, cannot exist without the other.  The Yin/Yang symbol is one reminder of this.  That dualities which are seemingly opposite or contrary are actually complementary and interconnected.   Thus dualities ~ such as the ups and downs ~ are required to be whole.

The more acceptance you have that your self-esteem will fluctuate,  as well as understanding it is normal, the more likely you are to minimise the depth and frequency of such “waves”.  When you can “ride the wave” you are able to allow flow and surrender.  It is in such surrender that flow naturally occurs as does synchronicity.

It is important to know and accept that when you are on the downside of the fluctuation (wave) this is when your negative emotions, baggage, “stuff”, things you’ve not dealt with are more likely to present.

What exactly are your emotions?  “An emotion is a complex psychological state that involves three distinct components: a subjective experience, a physiological response, and a behavioural or expressive response.”  (Hockenbury & Hockenbury, 2007).

The word emotion originates from the French word “emouvoir” which means to excite.  As well as the Latin word “emovere” which means to move.  Your emotions serve to motivate you to take action (move) towards things that excite you.  Emotions also serve for you to take action in order to survive and thus keep yourself safe from danger.

Running from, not dealing with, or pushing your emotions away only makes them stronger and persistent in trying to get your attention.  It’s the adage,  whatever you resist, persists. Your emotions then control you, rather than you be in control of them.

Whilst it is important to take actions that build your self-esteem, it is also important to understand that the downside of the wave is an important time for you to undertake emotional spring cleaning.

When you seek to understand the reasons as to why the emotions are presenting themselves; by being compassionate and nurturing yourself you loosen their grip in order to achieve release and healing.

Ways to undertake emotional spring cleaning

  1. Acknowledge how you are feeling and what it is you are thinking or focusing on to make you feel that way.  Consider is this just a “story” you are telling yourself and what evidence do you have that it is a truth?  and/or what could be equally if not more so true
  2. Recognise what it is that you need right now and give that to yourself.  Is it loving words of support from  yourself?  Is it time in nature?  To go shopping and treat yourself?  To take time out and go to the beach or to read a good book?
  3. Grab a pen and paper and write.  Consider what event, situation, place or person the emotions relate to and allow the words to flow onto the page, getting raw and honest with  yourself.  How do you feel about what happened?  What has been left unresolved?  What was the impact?  What were the negatives?  and what were the positives (yes there will be some)?  and what are the insights you need to release and let it go?
  4. Find a nice patch of grass or sand and stand on it barefoot.  Connect in with the earth energy and imagine the negative emotions as well as anything that relate to them releasing from your body down through the soles of you feet into the core of the earth where this negativity will be transformed and transmuted.

When you can accept that your self-esteem will fluctuate and that this is normal, as well as be vulnerably brave to address and heal what you need to, you will find that  you have greater distance in between the fluctuations.

Self Confidence

Building self confidence; A process not destination

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Self confidence isn’t something you can buy off a self.  Building self confidence is a process.  It is a way of being which you create, or perhaps access, internally.

To possess self confidence is to have belief, trust, faith and an assurance in who you are and/or your abilities.  It is an internal state about what  you think, and feel, about  yourself.  Your confidence is fluid, which means it is a changeable state that can be dependent on:   what is happening around you; how you process and respond to situations, people, etc and your experiences.

Building your confidence in your self gives you a tool you can draw upon to stop second-guessing yourself,  to release doubts, manage your fears and to take action.  Self confidence can be likened to a muscle; in that the more you use it the more you strengthen it!

When you think about things you do daily such as making a cup of tea, logging into your computer, making a phone call, driving a vehicle, or getting the bus, you most likely have confidence to do these things.

Remember that confidence is having trust, belief, faith and assurance in your self and your abilities.  It could be suggested that it is not that you lack confidence however you are lacking acknowledgement of your abilities and that you can transfer this to other tasks or areas.

In my experience, confidence is similar to the four stages of learning.  Which fundamentally teaches us that to be competence or perhaps confident there is a process we go through via learning and repetition.

Commonly I have found when asked what a person needs to do to build their self confidence, their response to be “I don’t know”.  For some it is such a foreign concept and thus they don’t know where to start.

Here are some tried and proven ways to build your self confidence:

  • Focus.  At the end of the day review what you achieved and/or what you did well.  Place your focus on what you are doing, rather than what you aren’t doing.
  • Regularly recognise and celebrate your achievements – it’s healthy to do so!
  • Self Talk.  Become aware of how you speak and what you say to yourself.  If it isn’t positive “cancel / delete” it and say something nice to yourself.
  • Exercise.  Go for a walk, run or to the gym.  Yoga, swimming, whatever exercise that makes you feel good.
  • Posture.  Stand tall, shoulders back and head high.  Scientific studies show that posture impacts the brain!
  • Learn something new.  Not only does it help make new neurological pathways it also helps show you that you can grasp new information.
  • Do something “fearful” each day.  By doing so we are teaching ourselves to “feel the fear and do it anyway”.  Each time building your confidence muscle that you CAN achieve things.
  • Smile.  According to science smiling increases endorphin’s which in turn create positive emotions; including confidence!
  • Know yourself.  Understand all aspects of who you are; what your strengths are as well as what you consider your less than great traits are.  The next step is to find the benefits to these “weaknesses”.  When you know who you are and love all aspects of who you are then no one else can affect you.
  • Trust your instincts.  We all have an innate knowing within, learn to listen to it and have faith in what you feel is right / wrong.
  • Emanate someone who is confident.  Consider someone you respect and whom you feel is confident.  Identify what it is they do differently that conveys confidence and how you can embrace that.
  • Stop comparing yourself.  When your compare yourself, you automatically put your self down and discount your own positive aspects.
  • Get clear on the things and people that truly matter to you.  Create a list of the things  or people you have been tolerating and then consider what action you need to take to either remove or minimise the impact.
  • Manual control.  Disengage your auto pilot and be mindful about your decisions so they reflect what really matters to you.
  • Create an action plan.  Be deliberate about action you will take and commit to following through.  Ensure you acknowledge the actions and benefits so you can see your progress.  It helps grow confidence and give self reinforcement.

Being confident isn’t a goal or an end-point that you reach and then stop.  It is an ongoing and continuous process.   Confidence can be likened to a flowering plant.  It doesn’t flower on command, instead after being nourished via various ways it flourishes; over and over again.

If after trying these techniques you are still struggling with your self confidence then consider scheduling an appointment for kinesiology.  You can book an appointment with us via:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

Self Relationship

Transforming your self relationship

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A few years ago I was in a relationship that wasn’t supportive of me.   I was unsupported as to who I am, what I believe in, my wants and needs as well as what I wanted to achieve.  It wasn’t long before I realised that I was, and very quickly, loosing my own identity.

I found myself terribly unhappy and waking up with anxiety on most days; which drained my energy leaving me tired and lethargic.  I also found that I was loosing my confidence and thus not trusting my decisions or ability to make decisions.

My relationship with my-self began to diminish.  My self worth decreased as did my self love and self respect.  Resulting in me almost sabotaging the very things that were and are important to me.   Luckily I was studying kinesiology at the time and despite my conscious mind not wanting to see certain things, thank body my did and revealed the stresses and impact they were having on me.

Alchemy derives from the Greek word khemeia which means “art of transmuting metals.”  The Alchemist’s vocation was mainly two things:  1. transforming base metals into gold; and 2. seeking the elixir of life.  Such an elixir would give everlasting life and cure sickness.

Simplified alchemy is transforming something that is dull into something precious and finding the key to a happy and long life.  Therefore Self Relationship Alchemy is transforming the how we interact with ourselves.  Treating ourselves with great love, value and precious-ness!  As well as living a happier life which most likely leads to a longer life!

For many (women in particular) the “self” relationship, being such things as self-confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-love and self-respect is often non existent.  The lack of such qualities is seemingly acceptant just as “the way they are” and it isn’t until enormous pain and unhappiness occurs that they consider transforming this.

Your relationship with yourself is reflected in ALL other areas of life.  Finances, friendships, relationships, career, environments.  What you do and don’t attract in life.  So if you are attracting people and situations that are less than you deserve and/or want, consider how the relationship with yourself is.

Ways to Alchemise your Self Relationship

  • Set boundaries:  Where are you limits of what you are willing to accept.  Be clear on what behaviours, communication and interaction is acceptable for you to receive from others.
  • Be Courageous:   Once you know what you are and aren’t willing to accept them you need to be brave and speak up.  Let others know that what they are doing isn’t OK and that you need it to change.
  • Loving Activities:   Do more of the things you love doing.  Those things perhaps you haven’t done for while and those activities that make you happy when doing them.
  • Attention Placement:  What are you focusing on?  It is empowering or dis-empowering?  What “stories” are you telling yourself which are stemming from a perception rather than fact?
  • Build confidence “muscle”:  Confidence is like building a muscle, it takes time and repetitive activities.  So start small and let it build!
  • Stop loathing activities:  Do less of the things you dislike doing.  Better still outsource them or just stop doing them!
  • Inspiringly Align:  Read quotes, books, insights anything that lifts up your spirit and transforms your day.
  • Resonate Essences:  Find the right essence/s for you and start taking them.  I’ve found them to tranformative!
  • Treat yourself as you treat others:  Often we treat others better than ourselves, so start interacting with yourself as if you were another.  Actually treat yourself better than that!
  • See your Kinesiologist:  OK, this one is a bit cheeky!  However in my practice I have been able to help my clients uncover the patterns and blockages that impede them from alchemising their “self” relationship.
    More importantly I have given my clients tools and techniques to clear them clear such blockages so that they are empowered having self confidence, love, respect, worth and self belief.

 

Know you are not everyone’s cup of tea and that there will be people who won’t like you, who won’t agree with who you are or with what you do.  In my experience, in most cases, this happens when that person is projecting their own “stuff” rather than owning it.

Whatever the case is, the stronger you are within yourself, the more you know who you are, love and accept all aspects of who you are …. what others think simply won’t matter.

Also the more that you invest into your “self” relationship you will find that your external world will reflect this and that  you will attract more of what you deserve and desire.

We have both face to face and skype sessions available.  If you are interested in scheduling a session with us please click on this link:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/