Tag Archives: Self Esteem

Lost self

Reclaiming your lost self

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The self relationship is the most important relationship you have.  It relates to how you treat yourself.  Your self love; self worth; self confidence, self value and self respect. It is the basis and foundation that determines how you interact with others.

So it would go without saying that it is vital to have a healthy self relationship if you are to lead a happy, fulfilled and empowered life.  As well as having healthy professional and / or personal relationships.

Many people have never been given the tools or foundation to create a healthy self relationship.  And for many who have, or are in the process of building this, can tend to easily get lost.  Which results in them loosing or letting go of their sense of self. 

Whilst this can occur in any situation it is more prevalent in romantic relationships.  And something I often hear is women (yet man can too) “I don’t know who I am, I’ve lost me”.  When we loose our self we loose the essence of what that person fell in love with.

From working with so many clients I have come to understand that whether it is in a work environment, friendship or romantic relationship that when a person has lost themselves they become unhappy in the situation and often want to make change and move on.

Are you feeling lost?

The main things that contribute to a person being or feeling lost are:

  • Not maintaining healthy boundaries;
  • Putting the others priorities and needs constantly before your own;
  • Loosing sight of your own goals;
  • Contradicting your own values and beliefs; and
  • Not keeping your own commitments to yourself
Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are simply what you are and are not willing to accept from others.  It is the threshold of what is ok, which allows you feel empowered, joyful, at peace and in alignment with your true self.

As boundaries are fundamentally what is, and isn’t, ok for us.  They will differ for each person.  Usually it is what we really need to say no to rather than saying yes.  As long as your boundaries do not purposefully hurt another, they can never be right or wrong.

Boundaries determine:

  • the degree in which we will allow someone into our personal space, physically, emotionally and spiritually;
  • the nature of treatment and behaviour that we find acceptable and appropriate;
  • what we allow or disallow;
  • whether we are giving our power and energy to another; and
  • how loving we treat ourselves and how loving we can be towards others.

They really are the most loving thing we can have and implement for ourselves and others.  Because when we don’t we ultimately become resentful of that person or place.

Priorities and Needs

Whilst it is healthy to take into the consideration of others priorities and needs, in all relationships it is important.  However when it is continually at the detriment of your own then you are fundamentally saying you are not important. 

Priorities can be your friends, clients, writing, reading, going to the beach.  The things, people and places that contribute to your happiness and what makes you YOU. 

Needs are what you require in order to live a healthy life or have a healthy relationship.  Most people accept what is on offer settling for less than what they need. 

Goals

Humans are teleological, which means we have a natural, inbuilt goal seeking drive.  If we are not out seeking our own goals we tend to help and support others to seek theirs.  Which often happens in careers and relationships. 

Of course we can support others in their goals however not to the point where we put our own aspirations and goals on the back burner.

Values and Beliefs

Your identity, who you are, the choices you make and how you distinguish your self is determined by what your values are.  Values are the elemental principles that you live by.  They epitomise what is important to you and are closely supported by your beliefs.

They can be describe by a word or short sentence such as:

  • Courage
  • Integrity
  • Making a difference
  • Abundance
  • Gaining knowledge
  • Love
  • Success

From the ages of 7-14 you are in the “Modelling” period of your life.  What this means is you will consciously or unconsciously chose a person or people to emulate and therefore take on many of that person’s values and beliefs. 

Values determine your choices, your behaviour and thus the actions you do or do not take.

When our value systems do not match with someone else you tend not to like them.  So in order to be liked you may change your values to match theirs.  However when you go against what it is you values you will create dissonance (conflict) within your self, which fundamentally makes you unhappy with your self and others.

Self Commitments

Your primary and main commitment must be to yourself first.  It is your duty and responsibility to keep promises you have made to yourself.  As well as standing by your decisions.

This is not about being selfish and it is not about being selfless.  Neither end of the scale are healthy.  What is healthy is ensuring there is a balance between both.    Because if you are not filling up your own cup first you will not have the required energy to keep yourself healthy whilst filling up others.

Primary commitment to your self means honouring who you are and who you are not.  Being your own champion by supporting yourself; advocating yourself and protecting yourself.  Much of which is done by prioritising yourself; ensuring you are meeting your needs; taking actions towards your goals and standing by your own values and beliefs. 

Yet too it is following through on the promises, tasks and arrangements you have made for yourself.  Not putting them aside because some thing of a lesser importance also needs doing.

Re-Claiming your Lost self

If you have lost yourself consider in what way specifically you have lost you.  What is it that you have stopped doing that brings you joy and makes you happy?  Perhaps re-read over the above and make notes as to how each of the five areas resonate with you. 

What are you doing or giving your energy to (or perhaps who) that doesn’t make you feel good?  Then consider what actions you need to take, what support do you need or what could you put in place to change this.

Consider, and remind yourself, who you actually are instead of who you are not. A client said “I’ve just got to accept I am insecure’.  I said “With what I observe, you are one of the most confident and secure people I know.”   Too often people have a negative sense or view of them self which is not a true perception.

From a spiritual sense reclaim your self by calling your spirit back.  Whenever we interact with some one or thing we exchange energy and we can leave fragments of our energy.  Calling your spirit back is a Native American concept to return your fragmented your energy which has been left with people, places and situations, so that you are able to be whole. 

In the times that I have found the need to call back my own spirit, I have felt a shift in my energy and a return of inner strength.  It has enabled me to let go of matters that were playing in my head and that were lowering my vibration.  It has also helped me to remember who I am and embrace it.

Calling your spirit back is a very simple process and can be done by stating out loud “I call back my spirit.  I command all fragments of my spirit left in other places, times and dimension or with other people and events to return to me right now.  As those parts of my spirit integrate in my being, they are cleansed and revitalised, invigorating and renewing my spirit as a whole”

Many people easily loose themselves, even when they know the concept.  In my observations both men and women do it; yet women tend to be better at it??!!  Raising your awareness is a great antidote for not getting lost as well as creating habits that honour yourself.

Also it is usually a pattern that has been created in childhood and reinforced over the years.  The goods news:  when you reinforce a new pattern of maintaining your self so you are unlikely to loose yourself again, in time, it just becomes the new standard.

If after trying these techniques you are still struggling with your the process to reclaiming yourself then consider kinesiology.  You can book an appointment with us via:  http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

Self Esteem Wave

Riding the Self-Esteem Wave

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Self-esteem is how you overall feel about your self.  It does encompass your the value you have for yourself as well as your self-worth.  Contradictory to what we have been led to believe, our self-esteem is not a stagnant way of being.  In fact most people, especially women, experience fluctuations with their self-esteem.

Consider it to fluctuate like the ocean wave.  When you are on the upside of the fluctuation, you feel confident, ready to take on the world; loving who you are, easily seeing your own worth and value.  However when on the downside of the wave you will second guess yourself, having doubt and being overly critical of your self.

Such ups and downs are normal, in fact they are considered as essential as long as you manage them effectively.  Dualities are every where around you; life in itself is with the duality of death.  In fact dualities are everywhere, cannot exist without the other.  The Yin/Yang symbol is one reminder of this.  That dualities which are seemingly opposite or contrary are actually complementary and interconnected.   Thus dualities ~ such as the ups and downs ~ are required to be whole.

The more acceptance you have that your self-esteem will fluctuate,  as well as understanding it is normal, the more likely you are to minimise the depth and frequency of such “waves”.  When you can “ride the wave” you are able to allow flow and surrender.  It is in such surrender that flow naturally occurs as does synchronicity.

It is important to know and accept that when you are on the downside of the fluctuation (wave) this is when your negative emotions, baggage, “stuff”, things you’ve not dealt with are more likely to present.

What exactly are your emotions?  “An emotion is a complex psychological state that involves three distinct components: a subjective experience, a physiological response, and a behavioural or expressive response.”  (Hockenbury & Hockenbury, 2007).

The word emotion originates from the French word “emouvoir” which means to excite.  As well as the Latin word “emovere” which means to move.  Your emotions serve to motivate you to take action (move) towards things that excite you.  Emotions also serve for you to take action in order to survive and thus keep yourself safe from danger.

Running from, not dealing with, or pushing your emotions away only makes them stronger and persistent in trying to get your attention.  It’s the adage,  whatever you resist, persists. Your emotions then control you, rather than you be in control of them.

Whilst it is important to take actions that build your self-esteem, it is also important to understand that the downside of the wave is an important time for you to undertake emotional spring cleaning.

When you seek to understand the reasons as to why the emotions are presenting themselves; by being compassionate and nurturing yourself you loosen their grip in order to achieve release and healing.

Ways to undertake emotional spring cleaning

  1. Acknowledge how you are feeling and what it is you are thinking or focusing on to make you feel that way.  Consider is this just a “story” you are telling yourself and what evidence do you have that it is a truth?  and/or what could be equally if not more so true
  2. Recognise what it is that you need right now and give that to yourself.  Is it loving words of support from  yourself?  Is it time in nature?  To go shopping and treat yourself?  To take time out and go to the beach or to read a good book?
  3. Grab a pen and paper and write.  Consider what event, situation, place or person the emotions relate to and allow the words to flow onto the page, getting raw and honest with  yourself.  How do you feel about what happened?  What has been left unresolved?  What was the impact?  What were the negatives?  and what were the positives (yes there will be some)?  and what are the insights you need to release and let it go?
  4. Find a nice patch of grass or sand and stand on it barefoot.  Connect in with the earth energy and imagine the negative emotions as well as anything that relate to them releasing from your body down through the soles of you feet into the core of the earth where this negativity will be transformed and transmuted.

When you can accept that your self-esteem will fluctuate and that this is normal, as well as be vulnerably brave to address and heal what you need to, you will find that  you have greater distance in between the fluctuations.