The self relationship is the most important relationship you have. It relates to how you treat yourself. Your self love; self worth; self confidence, self value and self respect. It is the basis and foundation that determines how you interact with others.
So it would go without saying that it is vital to have a healthy self relationship if you are to lead a happy, fulfilled and empowered life. As well as having healthy professional and / or personal relationships.
Many people have never been given the tools or foundation to create a healthy self relationship. And for many who have, or are in the process of building this, can tend to easily get lost. Which results in them loosing or letting go of their sense of self.
Whilst this can occur in any situation it is more prevalent in romantic relationships. And something I often hear is women (yet man can too) “I don’t know who I am, I’ve lost me”. When we loose our self we loose the essence of what that person fell in love with.
From working with so many clients I have come to understand that whether it is in a work environment, friendship or romantic relationship that when a person has lost themselves they become unhappy in the situation and often want to make change and move on.
Are you feeling lost?
The main things that contribute to a person being or feeling lost are:
- Not maintaining healthy boundaries;
- Putting the others priorities and needs constantly before your own;
- Loosing sight of your own goals;
- Contradicting your own values and beliefs; and
- Not keeping your own commitments to yourself
Boundaries are simply what you are and are not willing to accept from others. It is the threshold of what is ok, which allows you feel empowered, joyful, at peace and in alignment with your true self.
As boundaries are fundamentally what is, and isn’t, ok for us. They will differ for each person. Usually it is what we really need to say no to rather than saying yes. As long as your boundaries do not purposefully hurt another, they can never be right or wrong.
- the degree in which we will allow someone into our personal space, physically, emotionally and spiritually;
- the nature of treatment and behaviour that we find acceptable and appropriate;
- what we allow or disallow;
- whether we are giving our power and energy to another; and
- how loving we treat ourselves and how loving we can be towards others.
They really are the most loving thing we can have and implement for ourselves and others. Because when we don’t we ultimately become resentful of that person or place.
Priorities and Needs
Whilst it is healthy to take into the consideration of others priorities and needs, in all relationships it is important. However when it is continually at the detriment of your own then you are fundamentally saying you are not important.
Priorities can be your friends, clients, writing, reading, going to the beach. The things, people and places that contribute to your happiness and what makes you YOU.
Needs are what you require in order to live a healthy life or have a healthy relationship. Most people accept what is on offer settling for less than what they need.
Humans are teleological, which means we have a natural, inbuilt goal seeking drive. If we are not out seeking our own goals we tend to help and support others to seek theirs. Which often happens in careers and relationships.
Of course we can support others in their goals however not to the point where we put our own aspirations and goals on the back burner.
Values and Beliefs
Your identity, who you are, the choices you make and how you distinguish your self is determined by what your values are. Values are the elemental principles that you live by. They epitomise what is important to you and are closely supported by your beliefs.
They can be describe by a word or short sentence such as:
- Making a difference
- Gaining knowledge
From the ages of 7-14 you are in the “Modelling” period of your life. What this means is you will consciously or unconsciously chose a person or people to emulate and therefore take on many of that person’s values and beliefs.
Values determine your choices, your behaviour and thus the actions you do or do not take.
When our value systems do not match with someone else you tend not to like them. So in order to be liked you may change your values to match theirs. However when you go against what it is you values you will create dissonance (conflict) within your self, which fundamentally makes you unhappy with your self and others.
Your primary and main commitment must be to yourself first. It is your duty and responsibility to keep promises you have made to yourself. As well as standing by your decisions.
This is not about being selfish and it is not about being selfless. Neither end of the scale are healthy. What is healthy is ensuring there is a balance between both. Because if you are not filling up your own cup first you will not have the required energy to keep yourself healthy whilst filling up others.
Primary commitment to your self means honouring who you are and who you are not. Being your own champion by supporting yourself; advocating yourself and protecting yourself. Much of which is done by prioritising yourself; ensuring you are meeting your needs; taking actions towards your goals and standing by your own values and beliefs.
Yet too it is following through on the promises, tasks and arrangements you have made for yourself. Not putting them aside because some thing of a lesser importance also needs doing.
Re-Claiming your Lost self
If you have lost yourself consider in what way specifically you have lost you. What is it that you have stopped doing that brings you joy and makes you happy? Perhaps re-read over the above and make notes as to how each of the five areas resonate with you.
What are you doing or giving your energy to (or perhaps who) that doesn’t make you feel good? Then consider what actions you need to take, what support do you need or what could you put in place to change this.
Consider, and remind yourself, who you actually are instead of who you are not. A client said “I’ve just got to accept I am insecure’. I said “With what I observe, you are one of the most confident and secure people I know.” Too often people have a negative sense or view of them self which is not a true perception.
From a spiritual sense reclaim your self by calling your spirit back. Whenever we interact with some one or thing we exchange energy and we can leave fragments of our energy. Calling your spirit back is a Native American concept to return your fragmented your energy which has been left with people, places and situations, so that you are able to be whole.
In the times that I have found the need to call back my own spirit, I have felt a shift in my energy and a return of inner strength. It has enabled me to let go of matters that were playing in my head and that were lowering my vibration. It has also helped me to remember who I am and embrace it.
Calling your spirit back is a very simple process and can be done by stating out loud “I call back my spirit. I command all fragments of my spirit left in other places, times and dimension or with other people and events to return to me right now. As those parts of my spirit integrate in my being, they are cleansed and revitalised, invigorating and renewing my spirit as a whole”
Many people easily loose themselves, even when they know the concept. In my observations both men and women do it; yet women tend to be better at it??!! Raising your awareness is a great antidote for not getting lost as well as creating habits that honour yourself.
Also it is usually a pattern that has been created in childhood and reinforced over the years. The goods news: when you reinforce a new pattern of maintaining your self so you are unlikely to loose yourself again, in time, it just becomes the new standard.
If after trying these techniques you are still struggling with your the process to reclaiming yourself then consider kinesiology. You can book an appointment with us via: http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/