Tag Archives: Wounds

Loving a person who has been emotionally wounded

Heart Coherence

Your heart emanates more energy than your brain, producing an electromagnetic field approximately one metre around your body. It is suggested that this field is a carrier of information.

Research shows at your emotional state will create a pattern of energy reflective of what that emotion is, which is then carried in the field emanating around you. In turn this pattern of energy influences your energy levels, the clarity of your thinking, boosts your immune system and orders your nervous system.

The emotionally wounded person has usually built walls around themselves and this emanates in their field. So they may not let you in, yet if they do they may not be letting you completely in. In order to become wholehearted it is ideal their healing incorporates all layers – physical, mental, emotional and energetic – which by the way kinesiology does!

At some stage the person who has been emotionally wounded loved unconditionally, they gave themselves entirely over to love and trusted in it. Only for that trust to be taken advantage of.

Their wounds will often be displayed by certain behaviours, actions and mindsets such as sarcasm, insecurity, fear, and a lack of trust – blaming, questioning, etc. Their own sense of self may be lost to them resulting in low self esteem. They won’t be able to see the reason you love them, because they can’t see it for themselves.

Techniques to support

At times it may feel like you are walking on eggshells around them, endeavouring not to trigger them by what you say or do. This is not healthy for you or for your partner. Its understanding the reason behind their trigger and having techniques or tools that support you, and them, in managing the situation.

It is not your job the heal the wounded person, however there are certainly things you can do to support them becoming and loving wholly again.

Trustworthiness

Always be honest and tell the truth, even if you think the truth will hurt them. Also be up front about things, again even if you think it won’t go down so well. A lie is a lie, and hiding information is considered a lie. No matter how small a lie is, it holds the same energy as a major one. The wounded person is on a more heightened alert and will typically pick up on the energy of the lie or you hiding something. Yet they will misread the energy and think it is something more, heightening their insecurity.

Most lies are often uncovered and such deception creates instability. It suggests to the wounded person that you cannot be trusted and that you will hurt them. Trust me, it is not worth it. It will also put them on “alert” to continually ask questions to make sure nothing more is being hidden.

When you are honest and upfront, this shows the wounded person that they can rely on you. That you are dependable and honourable. Which means for them that it is safe to be with you.

Reassurance

Most of all the wounded person needs reassurance. Reassurance that assists them to eliminate their doubts and fears. Unconsciously the wounded person may be seeking evidence that they are going to be wounded again. Also “creating” evidence in their minds to make their fears real.

Reassurance gives the wounded person a reference that what they fear or believe is not true. The more references they are the less that fear will come into play. Reassurance gives the wounded person confirmation that they are loveable. That you have their back. That you are not going anywhere and that they are safe.

Create a wholeheartedly safe space

To live wholeheartedly means living life from a place of worthiness. Wholeheartedly means that despite imperfections a person is worthy of love and belonging. That they are safe to be in the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure of a relationship.

When you can contribute to creating a space where the broken person is taught that despite their shortcomings you still love them, they will begin to love themselves. You can also remind them what is lovable about them.

That whilst there is uncertainty and risk to focus on what is certain. Because what you focus on today will create more of tomorrow. Reinforce that you want the same things from the relationship. This helps create more certainty for them and gets them to change their focus.

You are strong, and brave, enough to help them navigate their emotions. Ask them open questions about how they are feeling (never start with “why”) to get them to name their emotion and what is driving it. Have suggestions on what they can do to dissolve the emotion such as journaling, going for a walk or meditating. Assist them in determining what that part of them that is experiencing the emotion needs right now.

Let the wounded person know how beautiful their vulnerability is and how much you value it. Show them that you honour their vulnerability and respect it via your own behaviours.

Remember the wounded person does not believe in them self and may question your sincerity. By being consistent in your positive words, actions and deeds you will create a wholehearted space that gives them a create references to believe.

Understand her Love Language

People express their love in one of five ways, this is known as the “Five Love Languages”. Not only do we express our love in a certain way, we also expect to be loved in this same way. Our love language is how we will gauge whether we are loved. Whilst we may use a combination of the love languages we primarily have one more prominent love language.

In a relationship we will usually have a different love language from our partner which often resulting in miscommunications of love. It can be like we are literally talking a different language.

According to Gary Chapman, who introduced the concept, by a slight margin the most common prominent love language is words of affirmation. This is based on the responses of 10,000 people who took the online quiz in December 2010. The full breakdown is:

Words of affirmation – 23%
Quality time – 20%
Acts of service – 20%
Physical touch – 19%
Receiving gifts – 18%

Here is the link to the official Love Languages website which has videos on the love languages as well as a quiz to determine your (and your partner’s love language). https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

6 Needs to feel Love

Men and women think, perceive, feel and appreciate differently. Which means they will respond differently in situations, especially in relationships and in being wounded.

When we understand the different needs our partner has, and by fulfilling those needs, we can help them to feel loved. When a person feels loved then they have the capacity and energy to love.

For men these needs are:

Trust – That he is doing his best and wants the best for his partner
Acceptance – By welcoming who he is (not trying to change him) and trust he will make his own improvements
Appreciation – Acknowledging the benefit you receive by his efforts and behaviours and showing you value those efforts
Admiration – Regard his with authentic awe and positive fascination (e.g. by asking his feedback and advice)
Approval – Recognise and look for the positive reasons behind what he does
Encouragement – Express confidence in his abilities and in who he is

For women they are:

Caring – Show interest in her feelings and her concern for her wellbeing
Understanding – Listen without judgement and allow her to be heard. Ask questions, don’t presume and don’t offer advice
Respect – Take your partner’s needs, wishes and desires into consideration. Remember important dates and rituals
Devotion – Remember to also make her a priority regularly. Make her feel adored and special
Validation – Confirm how she is feeling and validate that she has a right to feel that way, noting you can validate whilst feeling a different way
Reassurance – When you consistently care, understand, respect, devote and validate, you give reassurance that she is loved and will continue to be loved

Have Patience

Loving the wounded person will take time. They need to find that part of themselves that they lost in loving the “wrong” person. The wounded person needs need to build their self worth and realise they are enough. The need to feel secure and safe in order to trust in you.

The wounded person feels that they are too much to love and will unconsciously test this with you. At times you are likely to feel frustrated, which is understandable, yet find a way to dispel that frustration or do so gently with your partner.

To help you with having patience remember to take time for yourself so that you are “recharging your batteries”. Yet taking time also gives you space to have perspective on the behaviour/s. Remember people are NOT their behaviour/s.

Remind them

The wounded person will unconsciously be projecting others behaviours onto you, unknowingly making you responsible for what others did. Gently remind them how you are different, and with the actions you take (and don’t take) that show them that they are safe and loved. As well as the actions you don’t take

If appropriate, mention what it is you want from the relationship and that you are here for the long haul. Prompt them to acknowledge the connection that you have with them.

Loving the wounded person at times can seem too challenging and too much. At times they may seem to be too much to handle which can be frustrating. Some times this will be a test to see if you are really up for the challenge of loving them.

Whilst wounded people require more time, energy and patience and it will seem you are having to give a lot, know that once they feel and accept they are safe and secure, you will receive much more in return.

Remember there was a time when they loved unconditionally and had a lot to give, helping them reconnect with that part of them self means they will love fully again.

If you are feeling challenged by loving a wounded person, you may also need your own support. Consider kinesiology as an option to do this. For more information visit: http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com

Grieving – How time does not heal wounds

Molecules of Emotion

Dr Candace Pert PhD, neuropharmacologist, stated: “A feeling sparked in our mind-or body-will translate as a peptide being released somewhere. [Organs, tissues, skin, muscle and endocrine glands], they all have peptide receptors on them and can access and store emotional information. This means the emotional memory is stored in many places in the body, not just or even primarily, in the brain. You can access emotional memory anywhere in the peptide/receptor network, in any number of ways. I think unexpressed emotions are literally lodged in the body. The real true emotions that need to be expressed are in the body, trying to move up and be expressed and thereby integrated, made whole, and healed.”

Time can either do one of two things;

push the painful emotions and memories down to keep them at bay so they are not fresh in your conscious mind; or
gives you the opportunity to discover techniques which makes it easier to navigate your wounds, grief and pain.

Which means those who are electing for option 1 (above) will simply store the emotions, replaying and duplicating their grief within the coding of their cells. Such information / wounding festers waiting for the “right” opportunity to bubble to the surface, which typically is at an inopportune moment.

Ultimately allowing time to heal the wound is a dis-empowering and unhealthy option. The emotions need to be expressed in order to be released. In having awareness of what the emotion is, we can name the emotion and therefore explore the emotion. This is how we move forward.

Navigating Grief

There are various techniques (see below) which can help a person to navigate grief. Yet the first step is understanding the stages of grief. Through her extensive research Elizabeth Kúbler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist and pioneer in near-death studies, determined the Five Stages of Grief, which are:

Denial

Denial is a conscious or unconscious to not being willing to accept the situation where the person can isolate themselves due to their refusal of the situation. It can be due to their disbelief that the situation is happening and tends to be a defence mechanism which is masking the person’s shock of the situation.

Anger

A person will use anger as an emotion to deflect from their vulnerability of the situation and it can manifest in various ways. They can be angry at themselves, at those close to them or those who were involved in the situation. Endeavouring to be non-judgement with those in this stage of grief and remaining detached can assist both, all, parties.

Bargaining

This is where the person yearns for what has been lost and is categorised by the “if only” or “what if” statements. It’s where we want the situation to return to what we knew it to be, to be able to go back in time and do something different so a positive outcome happens. Guilt is often an emotion experienced in this stage, as the person thinks of what they could have done and feel guilty for not having done it.

Depression

Here the person is preparing to bid farewell and is an indicator that the person has begun to accept the reality of the situation. It can be described as acceptance with emotional attachment and it is natural for the person to experience feelings of sadness and regret, fear and uncertainty.

Acceptance

Usually this stage is marked by a calmness and acknowledgement of the situation, recognising that this is their reality and thus now living with the permanence of the change. The person has re-adjusted to life as they now know it and are allowing themselves to make new connections and to enjoy life again.

Grief is a very personal thing and everyone grieves differently. The stages do not necessary occur in a specific order, nor is there a time limit or potency set for each stage. Also it is possible for a person to experience a stage more than once.

Tools for navigation grief

Kinesiology

Being a kinesiologist, I think it natural for this to be my number one suggestion for moving through grief. The main reason being because it’s NOT a one size fits all solution. Rather a kinesiology session is personalised to the individual as a kinesiologist uses the client’s own innate wisdom as to what is needed to shift and move through their grief.

Via muscle testing, a kinesiologist seeks the underlying emotion which is causing the imbalance or blockage of energy flow. Therefore sometimes it actually isn’t the emotion that you logically think it is. As mentioned previously when you can name the emotion (correctly) you are able to explore and process through it.

More information can be found about kinesiology via: What is Kinesiology?

Write & Burn

Scientific evidence shows that when a person writes they are accessing both aspects of their brain. The physical act of writing accesses our analytical and rational left brain as well as engages our creative, intuitive, feeling right brain.

By engaging both hemispheres we increase our innovation, meaning we are able to transform and transcend situations. James Pennebaker, a professor at the University of Texas undertook over forty years of research as to how journalling helped the individual to process significant emotional experiences. His researched demonstrated that by spending 20 minutes per day journalling participants experienced significant improvements physically and mentally.

Unlike journalling, the concept of writing and burning is that whatever you are about to write you will not be keeping. What I like about this is that when we know we aren’t going to keep it , and thus no one will ever see what we have written, we tend to get more honest on the page.

In addition to this the act of burning the page/s is symbolic and ritualistic. It takes the written page and transforms it into ash, something the earth can re-cycle for a positive purpose.

Make time for Silence

Research shows that silence has many positive benefits. Silence can be meditation however is not limited to that. Silence can simply be spending time on your own without distractions.

Benefits of silence is:

It helps the hippocampus to grow new brain cells. The hippocampus is an important part of the Lymbic system and is involved in the formation, organisation and storage of memories. It is also involved with learning and the formation of emotions.

Silence works to balance our left and right brains, which results in whole brain synchronisation. Thus neither our emotions or logic overwhelm the other. This assists the brain in the sorting of information, enabling us to gather and process information.

The positive impact to important body and brain chemicals. Such as Melatonin; known as the “sleep molecule”. It is known to is known to inhibit cancer, strengthen the immune system and slow down the ageing process.

Serotonin; known as the “happy” neurotransmitter because it has a profound impact on our moods. It is also thought to help regulate mood and social behaviour, appetite and digestion, sleep, memory, and sexual desire and function.

GABA; is known as the “calm chemical” as it helps to control fear and anxiety. It sends chemical messages throughout the brain and the nervous system and plays an important role in behaviour, perception, awareness, comprehension as well as how the body response to stress.

DHEA; which is known as the “longevity molecule” as it counteracts cortisol. It also helps lower depression, sadness and irritability. It helps increase our ability to deal with stress and reduces worrying. It also helps increase motivation and energy levels.

Endorphins; the “natural high” hormone. As they interact with the opiate receptors in the brain to reduce our perception of pain, similar to how morphine and codeine work.

Growth Hormone which sustains our tissues and organs, helping keeping them “youthful”.

Cortisol, which is one of the major stress hormones, is reduced. Too much can wears down the body (and brain). Destroying healthy muscle and bone, blocking the creation of good hormones. It can create anxiety, depression, increased blood pressure, brain fog, insomnia and inflammation.

If after trying these techniques you are still struggling with processing through your grief then consider scheduling an appointment for kinesiology. You can book an appointment with us via: http://www.theinnersageaustralia.com/appointments/

Inner Sage Australia

"Self" Relationship Alchemist ~ Transforming the relationship you have with yourself as well as with others